Friday, January 17, 2014

A Little About Myself: Part2

I left off on my life's story with me creating a giant hole in the Earth while mining for gold. Unfortunately, any gold I would have been able to salvage was vaporized in the blast. Once I was released from the hospital, my creditors caught up with me and bought me before a court for my outstanding bills related to my mining venture. I had no money or source of income at the time so the judge gave me a choice, either go to prison or join the military. Seeing as I am too pretty for prison, I joined the French military. Little did I know that Europe was about to be engulfed in a great period of seemingly endless conflict.

Me, riding a horse somewhere in Eastern Europe with some
General who's name I can't remember.
During my training I quickly gained the favor of my superiors due to my unmatched skill in making flapjacks. I quickly rose through the ranks until I was made the official flapjack make for the commander of the military forces, who's actual name escapes me, but I called him Poly. Anyways, Poly had this crazy idea of taking all of us military folk into some freezing cold wasteland of a country, probably because he was looking to get a decent snow cone or something. Anyways, one night I was freezing my ass off, so I wondered off into the wilderness to look for some firewood to warm myself up with. Unfortunately, instead of finding firewood, I only found a roving band of Roman soldiers who did not take kindly to my presence in their woods. Despite my skills at making griddle cakes, those rapscallions kidnapped me and took me back to their homeland.

I wasn't very good at tickle wars...
Early the next morning, we all arrived in Rome, where my captors felt it was within their rights to sell me to a passing merchant.  This was the beginning of my career in sports. You see, this merchant just happened to supply athletes to some big stadium where people would ply their skills in tickle wars. Unfortunately my many skills did not extend to tickle fights. While I wasn't the worst tickle fighter, I never did come close to breaking into the top 10 leaderboard. It may be because I lacked focus, and was starting to become homesick. This decade was the darkest of my life. I developed an addiction to confectionery sugar, ingesting several ounces a day, in order to escape the realities and limitations of my life. Soon a change would come, and I would be able to drag myself from a pit of despair, but that story is best left told at another time...

To Be Continued...

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