As everyone knows, Sundays are a day of rest, thus no blog post from me. If you did something productive yesterday, let me help you out by telling you what you should have been doing. Here is my guide for how to spend a restful Sunday:
1. Don't wear pants - It's a day of rest. You aren't going anywhere, so why are you putting on pants? Hell, stay in bed all day if you feel like it.
2. Get churchin' from your couch - If you really feel a need for some churchin', no need to leave the house, just watch one of those early morning services on the TV. That way you don't have to put pants on! No pants! And if you don't want churchin', you're gonna burn in hell, sinner.
3. Eat like a depraved Roman Emperor - We live in a country of excess food (for those with money), so eat it all! Eat as much as you possibly can, but make someone else cook for you, or at least just use the microwave. It's the day of rest and all, you can't spend it cooking.
4. Put some dark, heavy drapes on your windows - If it's a nice day out you may be tempted to go outside and do something. That is not keeping with the spirit of a day of rest, so you must get some very heavy drapes to pull over your windows so that you cannot see anything of the outside world. Also, this will keep people (neighbors, police, government agents who have been spying on you for the last 6 months who you know have probably tapped your phone and planted bugs in your house while you were out buying cigarettes the other day! They're just waiting for you to slip up, but you're not going to fall into their trap. You secretly purchase prepaid cell phones that you dispose of every 2 weeks and switch to a new one. Trace that, government Joe!)
5. Find a good pee can and put it to use - While you are resting your day away, you aren't going to want to be getting up constantly to go to the bathroom. Get yourself a big old coffee can and start filling it up! You only have to roll over to your side to do your business. Extra credit if you get yourself a bedpan. Be sure to dispose of your waste the following day, while hiding it overnight. There are plenty of nefarious individuals who will find high value in anything that comes from you in order to customize their mind control drugs to you specifically. As the saying goes: "If they have your waste, they have your brain."
6. Start drinking early and often - Fact: alcohol helps you rest. Also, if you drink enough you can forget how much you hate yourself. Alcohol also slows and distorts your brainwaves, making it more difficult for the government's brainwave translators to read your thoughts.
7. Drunk dial friends and loved ones - Halfway through your day of rest those extreme feelings of loneliness will likely emerge. Feel free to call any living family members, or that girl you work with who once smiled at you. Ben said she was smiling at something funny on her monitor, but you know she was smiling at you. She's totally into you, she is just playing hard to get. Next time you call her and leave her a 8 voice mails in an hour will be the time she realizes how much you love her and that she needs someone like you in her life. How could she not realize that?!
8. Never sleep - You are at your most vulnerable when you sleep. Anyone can come into your house and do whatever they want. You must stay vigilant at all times. Make no mistake, we are at war! Wake up sheeple!
9. Lock all windows and doors except one - When someone is breaking into your house, they are going to look for an easy way first. You should give them that. Leave a single back door unlocked then sit in front of it all night with your shotgun. If anyone comes in, have no mercy. Government agents will not want it to be known that they are breaking into people's homes, so they will try to cover up any incident by making it look like the intruder was a thief or plumber or mailman or your wife. Don't be tricked! The government kidnapped your wife, cloned her, then trained the clone to be a government spy to infiltrate your residence.
10. Escape into forest and live off the land - If you were to shoot a government agent, you can no longer stick around in your house. You must find a safe place. A large national forest is a good place to go. There is plenty to eat, if you know what to look for, and there is enough cover to hide for long periods of time.