Saturday, December 22, 2007
20 Taco Bell Tacos (no lettuce) in 1 hour
12 McDonalds Cheeseburgers in 1 hour
40 Chicken McNuggets in one hour
3 Pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream in one hour.
And that's just on Wednesday, with possibly more to come on Friday! Gluttony is so Bangladesh! So, please check back in the New Years for a recap.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
1. (adj) great; fine; excellent
That hat is totally Bangladesh! I want to make love to it!
2. (verb) kicking ass; being the man; to serve someone in a dance contest
Yo bitch, you just got Bangladeshed!
Monday, December 17, 2007
Then I realized that it wasn't me in the ad, but rather it was Sofia Coppola. Imagine my embarrassment! Then, when I looked at this banner a third time, I realized that I do actually look a lot like Sean Lennon. I mean, he could be my brother in this picture. Hell, he may look more like my brother than my actual brother. Here I am for comparison:
Seriously, it's freaky. I think it's because we have a similar smirk. I am much taller, though, so obviously I'm the sexier man. That, and my dad is still alive, so I win.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
"I'm surrounded by Mexicans"
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Proposed Ban Could Put Carriages Out to Pasture
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Akron - In a bold move to protect the downtown shopping district, Akron town council members have unanimously voted to ban baby carriages at a town hall meeting last night. It was the first move on the council's agenda to make the town more safe from the threat of Muslim extremists.
Mayor Rick Hatton lead the charge with an impassioned speech at the beginning of the meeting, stressing the dangers of terrorism and the unconventional means with which the Muslim world means to wage war on our freedom.
"We now have a Muslim family living in Bradford County," Hatton told reporters. "The war on terrorism has finally reached our community and we must protect ourselves! I, for one, will not sit idly by while the followers of that heathen religion try to destroy everything we love!"
After reading a news story out of Baghdad, in which a suicide bomber detonated an explosive device hidden in a baby carriage, Hatton new that action must be taken to prevent a similar occurrence in his small town.
"I see women walking around with baby carriages all the time, and nobody ever thinks to search them!" said Hatton. "This must stop! I will not have my town destroyed by negligence on our part. We must get these carriages of death off our streets!"
In place of carriages, Hatton recommends the use of a new product called The Baby Sack, which are sold exclusively at Hatton's General Store on Main Street. The Baby Sack is a durable clear plastic sack and is described to be able to hold up to four babies at once.
"The Baby Sack is the best alternative to those dangerous contraptions of misery (baby cairrages)," said Hatton "They're clear, so we can all see if there is a bomb inside. Babies love them, too! Come get two or three, I'll give you a special deal at Hatton's General Store, where the savings are because I love America!"
Some people disagree with the town council's actions, including the newest resident Satya Salil.
"Everyone has been scared into a frenzy just by me moving in." an obviously angry Salil said. "I'm not even from the Middle East! My parents moved to America from India before I was born. I'm not even Muslim, I'm Hindi!"
Townspeople believe Salil's story is an obvious fake, conceived to cover up his terrorist activities, and have created a neighborhood watch to keep an eye on this dangerous new resident. Only time will tell if the terrorists will win the war with Akron, but it's obvious that the American residents of this small town will not go without a fight.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Megan is back home now after a 4 day hospital stay. She is able to
walk (slowly) with crutches, and we expect the recovery to take
several weeks. Her pain is manageable, and she can still nurse Mia, so
life is better. Megan is an amazing, strong woman who is determined to
get better as fast as possible, and seeing that I know things are
going to work out fine.
Thanks again to everyone for the cards, flowers, emails, phone calls,
hospital visits, offers to babysit, offers of food, etc etc etc. Her
sister and her family came down yesterday, my sister is here
currently, and Megan's mom will get here this weekend, so we're not
struggling. We feel very lucky to have such a strong support network
that effectively extends nationwide.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
I "Still" Know Who Killed Me
xXx: State of the State (featuring Tony Hawk)
Godzilla vs. Transformers
Fat People (Michael Moore Documentary)
I Love New York: The Movie
Reno 911: Terry Goes Undercover(s)
Rocky Goes to Princeton
The Matrix 2 (Redone?)
had more but blanking.....feel free to contribute!
Monday, December 3, 2007
Sorry to mass email bad news, but I wanted everybody to know that Megan was injured in a pretty serious car accident this morning on I805. We're sketchy on the details about exactly what happened, but she was exiting the freeway and swerved to avoid a large plastic igloo-shaped doghouse that was blocking the lane. She lost control of the and was struck on the driver's side by at least one other car (there was a third involved too, apparently). She has a broken rib or two, her pelvis is fractured in several places, and she has some minor cuts and bruises. Mia was home with me at the time and is fine. It all could have been so much worse, and for that at least we're thankful.
Megan will be in the hospital for a few more days as she recovers. If anyone wants the info of where to send cards or flowers or anything else, send me an email and I'll forward it to you. And I urge you all to contact your congressmen and senators and urge them to support legislation to ban Eskimo dogs from making their homes on highway off-ramps.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
My high school experience wasn't particularly enjoyable, in fact I think it compares more aptly to a stay in prison than a high school, but I am relatively successful now, which means lots of rubbing it in the faces of everyone who was an asshole to me. Ah yes, I've been waiting for this moment.
Well, I had plenty of opportunity to rub in my moderate success, since a majority of the people there had made absolutely nothing of their lives. I just couldn't do it, though. It all really just depressed the hell out of me. Nobody changed, they were all the same people I went to high school with, and just being there in that room with them all, I felt exactly as I did in high school. I was once again a freak, an outcast, and a majority of the people there didn't even know who the fuck I was. I mean, I do look very different now, and when I told them who I was most people remembered me, but still.
I just couldn't enjoy myself. It really was hell. I didn't want to tell anyone about my life, because I knew the only reason that most of the people went to this thing was in hopes of finding that everyone was like them, that nobody had made anything of their lives. Of course they went to the high school reunion, they've been stuck there for the past ten years. There really wasn't anyone there, besides the people I went with, who I would care to see again. Fuck APHS.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
1. 12 McDonald's cheeseburgers in one hour.
2. 18 Boston Cream Dunkin Donuts by two people (one male one female) in one hour.
3. 15 Taco Bell tacos (with or without lettuce) in one hour.
4. 6 Cheeseburger Happy Meals with soda and fries in an hour.
5. 3 Medium Dominoes Pizzas in 1.5 hours.
6. 10 Ramen Noodles packages any flavor (12 if chicken) in 1 hour.
7. 20 Zingers (or similar) in 1 hour.
8. 3 Pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream (any flavor) in 1 hour.
9. 4 footlong meatball subs with cheese from Subway in 1 hour.
10. 4 boxes of Freihofer's chocolate chip cookies (it's an upstate NY thing).
11. 8 cans of Spaghetti O's in one hour.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
1. The Challenge The participant must ingest one dozen Boston Cream Donuts from Dunkin Donuts within one hour, then must keep them down for 15 minutes after the final donut is eaten.
2. The Player
Josh (A.K.A "Powder"): 6'2" - 245 pounds of eating efficacy.
3. The Back Story
All great challenges begin in a barroom boast, and this one was no different. Over a couple beers at Andy's bar in Albany, Powder glanced out the window at the Dunkin Donuts across the street. The dream entered his mind right then.
"I could eat a dozen donuts." is what he said.
I was skeptical. "What about Boston Creme donuts?" I ask, "They are pretty damn heavy."
"I could eat a dozen Boston Cream Donuts easily."
And so the challenge was born. Preparation was needed. After 4 shots of Southern Comfort and a couple wings we were ready to begin.
4. The Result
We began the test of will at 11PM at the Albany apartment belonging to my good friend Bennett. Tensions were high as the test begun. I had riding on it a days worth of free meals and Powder, his pride. The first half dozen were quickly ingested within the first 15 minutes, but the rate quickly slowed. A half hour went by and 8 were residing in the stomach of this behemoth of gluttony. Two more were gone in the next fifteen minutes. Two donuts left, and just 15 minutes to eat them.
Just two donuts, but every bite was met with a grimace of pain. I wish I could tell you all I had witnessed a historic feat on Saturday night. I wish I could tell you that. But unfortunately, all I beheld was a man eat 10 and a half donuts in an hour. But, alas, the occasional failure is something we must all experience. As Teddy Roosevelt once said:
"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorius triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat."
I challenge you all to dare to dream your impossible dreams and never fear failure when trying to make them reality.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Anyways, another reason to go home is that the day after Thanksgiving my high school class is having its 10 year reunion. My high school experience wasn't particularly enjoyable, in fact I think it compares more aptly to a stay in prison than a high school, but I am relatively successful now, which means lots of rubbing it in the faces of everyone who was an asshole to me. Ah yes, I've been waiting for this moment. So, for you New York folks, I will see you soon, and for everyone else, there will be silence on this blog until next week when I recant the events of my mini vacation. Be good, and have a great Thanksgiving!
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Friday, November 16, 2007
I want to have a zombie themed wake/funeral. Everyone has to come dressed as either a zombie or a fearful human. Also, if I am rich by the time I die, I want to be turned into an animatronic zombie so I can walk around at my funeral and mingle. This is probably something I am going to have to plan before I die. It may be tough to find someone to robotize my corpse. If there isn't enough money to make this happen, then maybe just tie some string on my limbs and torso and make me move around Weekend at Bernie's style. Just make sure I look like a zombie. Slip the mortician a few hundred to slice off my cheek or something. I need a good decomposing look. Also, serve some cow or pig brains at the wake, or post-wake party. And one more thing, I made a deal with my friend Powder that whichever one of us die first has all our friends play Taps on kazoos at the funeral.
I'm relying on you DrX. Make this happen. And if there is any money left over, buy my niece a guitar and make her learn some Ramones songs, and on the anniversary of my death you have to hit my grave with a baseball bat while she plays Beat on the Brat. I have no idea why this is a requirement, and it can probably be ignored. Don't worry, I'm not planning on dying anytime soon, so you have time to plan. Have fun with it.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Q. Would you eat a live puppy for increased national security?
A. Yes, I would eat a puppy to keep you safe from terrorists.
Q. What was your favorite childhood porno mag?
A. The terrorists want to kill us in our homes and eat our babies. There will be no more childhood, since all our babies would be taken away and raised in baby farms to be plumped up for crazy terrorist feasts. I liked Hustler.
Q. If China were a type of fruit, what kind of fruit would they be?
A. China would be a calamondin.
Q. Would you support new technology that could convert the souls of the damned into oil?
A. We need to end our dependence on foreign oil, or the terrorists will kill us all. I say we use the heathens and sinners to run our SUVs.
Q. Is a woman capable of anything more than making me dinner?
A. My wife has killed terrorists with her bare hands. So yes, women can be killing machines as well as your caretaker. They are all crazy and poor at math, however.
Q. Torture: right or wrong?
A. Torture is wrong. If you give it a nicer name, then it is ok.
Q. Do you like my hair?
A. September the 11th changed how America must look at the world. And since that day, your hair has given America the comfort we have sought in the face of certain death and destruction. Your hair, sir, is a national hero, and I'd like to make sweet love to it.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
To combat this attitude, I urge you all to start spouting off the craziest, most insane beliefs on any subject, just to try and get people to call you on your bullshit. You'll be amazed at how far you can go and still have people smile and nod at you. You know they think you're bat-shit insane, but they hardly ever say it. Are people talking politics? Tell them that you're not voting this year because you vowed long ago that you would never help an alien to get elected, and you're afraid that not a single one of the candidates are human. Are people talking about the weather? Tell them how rain is actually the tears of Jumba, the gorilla god, who is crying over the loss of his golden chalice which was stolen by the ferret god, Bynta. Have fun with it. And don't be afraid to call me or anyone else on their bullshit. The only way to make it socially acceptable is by forcing people to do it, right?
Monday, November 12, 2007
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Friday, November 9, 2007
I think this is one of the reasons our science education is so behind pretty much every other industrialized country in the world. There are so many evangelicals speaking passionately against science, such as evolution or big bang theory, while a huge majority of scientists support these theories. The average citizen sees this conflict and chooses the middle, and we get crap like Intelligent Design "theory", which uses scientific language to present completely anti-science ideas, and people fall for it. People have to understand that science strives for truth, while it's opponents thrive for suppression. If a huge majority of scientists agree on a theory, it is because it is the best one available and supported by a massive amount of data and physical evidence. Something else to realize about science is it contains a completely open community. If you have a novel theory with sufficient evidence to back it, you can present it in any number of journals and present it to the scientific community. Now, the community may try to rip your theory apart, but experimentation and evidence doesn't lie, and if you have it right, your theory will stick. Now, no theory is ever final or perfect, and as new evidence presents itself a good theory will change to incorporate it, but sometimes new evidence will completely destroy a theory and you must start from scratch.
You constantly see nutcases proclaiming that the scientific community is trying to suppress their incredible new invention or theories, but this is ridiculous. If there was any validity to what they were doing, they would find many open arms, or at least silenced critics when nobody can find major flaws in their reasoning. This is how the world should work.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
I presented him the nose and he was thrilled to have it. It fit perfectly in the hole that was still left in the middle of his face from the surgery. It was a brilliant piece of workmanship, I must say, and looked spectacularly real. He decided to take it out for a test run in the park and ran out the door with excitement. During the stroll he was the happiest I had seen him since the operation. His mood quickly changed, however, when we came upon a gaggle of crows. They must have been starving because as soon as they saw that big raisin nose sitting on his face they went wild. There must have been 50 or 60 of those bastards swooping down from the sky, pecking and clawing at his face as I looked on in horror, knowing not what to do. Finally the raisin nose was devoured, the crows lost interest and flew away. I rushed my friend to the hospital. He was lucky the damage was not more severe. Both eyes had been gouged badly and could not be saved, but all other damage was superficial in nature. I wonder how well grapes would work as prosthetic eyes...
note: Don't forget to vote! The poll is right there on the right part of the screen. Go here for examples of the poll answers.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
note: Wow, this post is practically a commercial. I assure you, Garmin is not a sponser of mine. This is just one of the times I have nothing to write about so I just brag about a new toy. Sorry. But if Garmin does want to be a sponser, I am listening. Or any other company, for that matter. Well, any company except Disney. Those bastards ruined my childhood. That's right, when I was five years old I was raped by Mikey Mouse...
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
The choice is yours! Please vote!
The longer the poll has stayed up, the more lame I have felt it has become. I have grown to hate this poll, so I have taken it down. The lesson for today: I should never commit myself to long term gags, because I will hate them after a day or two.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Saturday, November 3, 2007
It's a different kind of Indian, or white women dressed up like a different kind of Indian, at least. Check out YouTube for some great versions of this video dubbed with other songs. Prodigy's Breathe works perfectly.
1. Make a lot of money
This is an obvious one. If you have lots of money you can use it to make friends. Buy the bar a round of drinks, buy people dinner or just buy a bunch of whores to hang around with you. It's always easy to have a posse if you have money. Just find some guys who like whores and you can give them the skanky ones. Instant friends!
2. Acquire a lot of power
If you have money, it's easy to gain power. Just throw that money in the direction of powerful people and they will start doing you favors. Once you have some power you can start doing favors to those lacking in power, and they will owe you. That's when you force them to be your friend. Want me to take care of that speeding ticket for you? Come have dinner with me and I'll think about it.
3. Hone your deception skills
If you don't have any power or money, be good at pretending you do. Trust me, if people think you're rich, they just give shit to you for free. It's a fucked up world, I know. Anyways, to achieve that rich and powerful look, buy yourself a tux, a top hat and a monacle. Also grow a mustache.
4. Hate something
Develop some kind of irrational hate for something. It can be minority groups, corporations, religions, certain animals, it doesn't really matter. If you hate something, you will soon find other people who share that passion. Nothing brings people together like a shared hatred.
5. Put out
You want to be popular? Sleep with pretty much anyone. You'll never again have nothing to do on a Saturday night. And if you're good enough at it, you can start to charge and make some money. And if you're really good at it, you may be able to complete step #1.
I'm sure there are other ways to become popular, but I have a short attention span, so 5 is enough for me. Hope this helps, kids!
Friday, November 2, 2007
*A fuck load is a unit of measurement equivalent to 3,233.657 kg.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Yup, search for the Right Brothers on YouTube and you can also hear such classics as the anti-abortion Momma I Want to Live, or the anti-global warming Stop Global Whining. Because, you know, Global Warming is a creation of that damn liberal media and that evil Al Gore. An overwhelming percentage of scientists support it? Well, they were all just nerds in high school and want to get revenge on the popular kids by taking away thier SUVs.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
"I'm rooting for the Red Sox," the Republican presidential contender said in response to a question, sparking applause at the Boston restaurant where he was picking up a local endorsement.
In my opinion, the only redeeming quality that Rudy had was that he was a Yankees fan, but now he just throws that allegience away by saying he's rooting for the most hated rival for a few votes. At least he was able to make the statement without mentioning 9/11...
Monday, October 22, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
Also, being all knowing, god would know the whole course of your life before you are born. He/she/it would know everything you do and say and think for infinity before you do. So how can you say that god has given us free will? In his/hers/its eyes, our life has already played out and we are just going through the motions. That's pretty friggin depressing. And if that's true, what is the point of this life? If god already knows how your life is going to play out before you even come into existence, then he also knows if you are worthy for heaven or if you should be damned to hell. Why delay the inevitable, then? Why wouldn't there just be an afterlife with no real life? This life would be completely pointless. Damn that's depressing. I guess it's a good thing I'm not religious.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Monday, October 15, 2007
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Also, after the breakout in the second movie the infected seem to run around aimlessly a lot. Now, this has to use up a lot of energy. Do the infected ever sleep? I would think they would burn themselves out really quick if they were just running around looking for people to eat nonstop. What would the life span of someone who is infected be? A week? A month? Do they eat animals besides people? Why do they eat people, anyways? Can cannibalism be caused by overwhelming rage? I wouldn't think that would be a symptom. I mean, how many murders actually result in cannibalism? Even if someone is really angry and kills from rage, they don't then eat the person.
I know, I know, it's just a movie. I find it a pretty fun premise, though, and think it could stand to be fleshed out a bit more. But anyways, watch the movies if you haven't already.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
It was probably bad for my career... I ended up in an unfortunate crosshair position where I was in a relationship and (the media) mostly lied and inflated a bunch of salacious stuff for the sake of selling magazines. And I paid a certain price for that.
Hmmm, let's see, what was more damaging to Ben's career? Was it dating J-Lo or it could have been Armageddon, Reindeer Games, Pearl Harbor, Daredevil, Gili, Jersey Girl, or Surviving Christmas? Maybe? You can star in so many awful, piece of shit movies before you become a total joke. If anything, the J-Lo relationship kept him in the spotlight a year or so longer than he should have been. And he used those several months to make Gili... Ben Affleck, if you actually read scripts before you accepted roles, maybe you'd still have a career, no matter who you're banging. Ben gets a lot of criticism for being an awful actor, but there are worse out there who have solid careers (hello Keanu Reeves!). So, my advice to Mr. Affleck: Learn to read a script and stay far away from The Bay.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Daniel “Shleppy” Johnson was born in rural upstate
This life of infamy and riches continued throughout his teenage years until the start of World War II. It is said that Dan learned of Pearl Harbor when he was awaken from a deep sleep, following a night of drinking with several chorus girls, by his good friend Henry Fonda and told of the catastrophe. Dan immediately volunteered for the Marines where he fought in the Pacific Theater. On
Upon his return to the
Dan, following the trial, wanted to get away from his old life (and pending paternity suits) and decided to change his last name to (insert last name). To further distance himself from his previous employment, Dan decided to get a degree in Chemistry, knowing that his experience with brewing bathtub gin would aid in his studies. Dan graduated from SUNY Albany with honors and went on to Johns Hopkins for his PhD. Currently Dan holds a post-doc position at UCSD and lives a law-abiding life with his wife Megan and baby daughter Mia. It is said that Dan maintains his ties with organized crime, but despite many FBI investigations no significant evidence has been collected. One thing that everyone can agree on is that Dr. Dan (insert last name) is one bad mother…
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Ext. Day: There are a crowd of people all surrounding a man in a white robe in a desert. They are all dressed in tattered clothing of biblical times.
Caption: Easter Sunday, 0AD
We zoom in and see the man in the white robes is Jesus, still wearing his crown of thorns and has wounds from his crucifixion.
Man in crowd: Oh, it's a miracle! Why have you come back to us? What great wisdom have you arisen from the dead to tell us?
Jesus looks the man in the eye, places his hand on his shoulder and begins to speak in a deliberate soft voice to the crowd.
Jesus: My children, I haven't come back for you. I came back for one last Bomber's burrito!
Cut to the Bombers logo and the slogan: Bombers burritos: Better than heaven.
Cut back to Jesus with a burrito in his hand.
Jesus: Hey, I eat em.
Jesus takes a bite from his burrito and winks at the camera.
I also have alternate slogans for the commercial:
Bomber's Burritos, crucifixion not necessary for purchase.
Bomber's Burritos, it's better than fish and loaves.
Bomber's Burritos, a taste of salvation.
With a Bomber's burrito in hand, who needs religion?
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Out of curiosity, when's the last time all you readers went to church? Funerals and weddings don't count. Fish, you didn't go regularly as a kid, did you? I know DrX and I didn't. Maybe the lack of God in our formative years actually caused us to look for real answers to our questions, leading us to careers in science. Now, going to church as an adult is a rather dull experience. It's been about two years since I went last (I went because of a girl, of course!) and in all that time, I never once felt I was missing out by spending my Sunday mornings sleeping in and getting ready for football.
Ask most any God-fearing person what the world would be like without religion and they would describe a society without morals and discipline. We would all be free to do whatever we want all the time, without worry of punishment in the afterlife. There would be chaos as people try to grasp a life without an ultimate meaning.
I believe that if religion finally died out we'd have a society full of science nerds. People would no longer be able to retreat to the trustworthy "Because God did it" explanation to answer their tough questions, they would actually have to search for the real answers. Inquisitiveness would be encouraged from the youth. There would be no more dead end answer to questions that you don't know the answer to. People could actually admit that they don't know, and then try to find out. People would turn to the physicists, biologists and chemists to answer their questions rather than to their religious leaders. I think this is the biggest misunderstanding that religious folks have of atheists. They accuse us of believing in nothing and being close minded, when all we are doing is looking for the real answers to the world around us. The existence of God is a seemingly unnecessary hypothesis that has no evidence to support it. Give us evidence and we'll believe, we say, but in all the years of humanity, that evidence has never come. The silence speaks volumes.
Now, I know that I most definitely don't speak for all nonbelievers. Let them tell you why they are what they are. Most are much more militant in their atheism than I. After all, I would go back to church in a minute if it got me closer to a beautiful woman, but all the churchin' in the world couldn't make me believe. Talk is cheap, give me some hard evidence if you want to convert me.
Try and capture the essence of how we grew up.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
I'm pretty sure this show used to be funny, but I think I'd have to go back to the first couple seasons to be sure. It could be that I just got sick of the Family Guy formula... Anyways, here's a great example of what I'm talking about. Over at Joe Mathlete's Great American Blog, he edited an episode from last season to take out all of the sequences that have absolutely nothing to do with the plot of the show. This cut out half of the show, and what's left runs a total of 12 minutes. Let's all boycott the show, the writers have obviously stopped caring and are putting in a minimal effort. Why should we reward laziness?
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Here is Reese at the age of 22 in Pleasantville (1998):
And here she is today:
So what is she storing in that gigantic chin of hers? I think I have found Iraq's WMDs! Somebody alert the president!
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Please, don't assume that your representatives know what they are doing. You may not be deeply involved in politics or law, but you have the right to criticize all the politicians you want, and everyone else does, too. Not only is it your right, but it's your duty to criticize your government when you feel that they are doing something wrong, because that is the only way it will be changed.
Before voting for someone at least try to find some interviews that they have done, or, in a pinch, a debate (although debates are ridiculous, too, as I've noted). Just try and get an idea for who you are voting for, because right now guys like this, who spout off fear tactics and bigotry to consolidate power, are reaching influential levels of our government. There are way too many power hungry dumb asses in this world, let's try not to have them represent us.
I am mrs suzzan saivonic a widow.I am very sure that this mail will bring lots of surprises and curiosity to you since there was no previous correspondence between us before now. am a widow of one of the top rulers in Chechnya, My husband died along side with the Chenchna president who was killed in a bomb attack early last year in a parade ground.
I have some funds for investment in your country.Please if you can be of help, get back to my family lawyer based in London for more details:
Name :Barrister Bill Carson
Tel: +44 702 4021849
mrs suzzan saivonic
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
1. "I'm not a team player? That's not what your mom said last night when I was triple teaming her with a midget and a donkey! Get it? Your mom's a whore! I'm out!"
2. "Your face isn't a team player! Because you're ugly! And your ugliness scares people! I'm out!"
3. "I may not be a team player, but at least I slept with your wife! She was ok... I'm out!"
See, when getting fired and using a snappy comeback, you have to end it with "I'm out!" and then walk out the door, never to be seen again. That's how it works folks. Anyone got any other snappy comebacks that readers can use if they find themselves in a similar situation?
Monday, September 17, 2007
I've never felt anything like that, and for it to clear up and go right back to as normal as I can be, is nothing short of a miracle," Kitna said Monday. "I just definitely feel the hand of God. That's all it was. You can't explain it.
That's right, there is no explaining it, other than a miracle. There is no way someone can feel better more than an hour after receiving a minor concussion. It's impossible!
Look, if God were a fan of the NFL, it's obvious he hates the Lions. They've made the playoffs like once in the past forty years. They're horrible and have been forever. Jesus hates the Lions, mark it down. He told me. That's right, Jesus appeared in the form of a pastrami sandwich and told me he hates the Detroit Lions and that he purposely gave Kitna the concussion in the first place, and he was sorry he didn't make it worse to keep him out of the rest of the game. Then I ate the Jesus/sandwich and He was delicious. He could have used more mustard, though...
Sunday, September 16, 2007
The Killing Fields was an ok movie, that is definitely watchable. It's based on a true story about an American reporter and his interpreter/guide in Cambodia during the Vietnam war. I found it a bit disjointed and muddled at times, and to tell you the truth, Sam Waterson's beard really annoyed the shit out of me throughout the whole film. Trim that thing, damn it! And why is it so damn dark? That can't be natural! It's like his beard hair is so dense and disheveled that no light is able to escape. It's a watchable movie, though, especially for Haing S. Ngor's Oscar winning performance.
The Big Sleep was a absolutely wonderful movie. It stars Bogart as a private eye (of course) who gets mixed up in a blackmail scheme and a hard-boiled dame (Lauren Bacall). The film actually has quite a bit of humor that is surprisingly dark, and some of the greatest dialog ever, in my opinion. It is really a great movie that you should watch. Follow it up with The Maltese Falcon and then watch Brick and you will appreciate that film immensely. I can't help but smile thinking about it. Great movies just make me so damn happy sometimes.
Anyways, with all my bitching, I felt I needed a fairly positive post like this. Hope you enjoy it, because there will be much more for me to rant about in the future. Hope y'all had a great weekend!
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Now, it's not like I thought the first was all that good, but at least it was watchable. I wish the studios would just give up on these lame sequels, but I guess that has always been a problem. Rather than funding any original, creative movies, they would rather give money to Deuce Bigalow II, since they at least have an idea of the audience and what the ticket sales will be. Whether a film is good or not doesn't matter at all, just that there is an audience for it. And that's why Dane Cook is still in movies. As unoriginal a comic, and as awful of an actor he is, he has a known audience that will go see any shit that is churned out as long as he is in it.
But I guess the studios know what they are doing. After all, the lowest grossing film in which Adam Sandler starred was Punch Drunk Love, which was by far the most critically acclaimed film he has been in (and one of my personal favorites). Meanwhile Little Nicky, one of the biggest pieces of shit ever recorded to film, grossed well over twice as much. So, film is a business, and it rewards shit, so that is what is put out as the product. Alright, I guess my bitch session is done for today. Everyone have a good weekend.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
I tell you what though, the next time someone plays in a Texan bar full of people that hate them, gets their nose busted on stage and starts spitting blood on and taunting the audience, while continuing the song because you're so strung out on heroin that you can't feel anything and eventually try to kill someone with your bass, I may reconsider...
Monday, September 10, 2007
Then I realize that I am considering taking up smoking in hopes that I get cancer and need a hole in my neck and a voice synthesizer thing to speak, just to show people that it's pretty cool to have to talk like a robot. That's usually when I change the channel...
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Friday, September 7, 2007
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Friday, August 31, 2007
Note: It's not that I don't want our European friends to not have a good, long weekend, it's just that Monday isn't a holiday for you. You could always take it off, though. What do the French do with their days off? Do you put on your best beret, buy a big loaf of bread and pack of cigarettes, then go to a nice sidewalk cafe and sit around sipping espresso, while complaining about the damn Americans? That's what I imagine happens. Stereotyping is fun! Give it a try! I know we occasionally have British readers, so what does a Brit do with their days off? Do they get up at noon go down to the local pub and have a few pints while watching football, yelling at the tv, punching opposing team's fans, and singing drinking songs, all the while complaining about the damn Americans? Hmmmm, what other readers can I alienate? I'll have to think about it. In the meantime, feel free to post some more fun stereotypes in the comments!
Thursday, August 30, 2007
What the hell is Labor Day about, anyways? Take a day off to celebrate working? It doesn't make sense. Why should we have a national holiday to celebrate working? People only work because they have to, it's not like it's some noble sacrifice. I don't really care enough to look up the history of Labor Day, so there is probably some legitimate reason for it, and I'm not going to complain since it is a paid day off, but I still think it's stupid.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
I believe it is called a kolatche and it is one of the things Texans enjoy for breakfast, which is why they are all very fat. It consists of a sausage that is wrapped in a corn dog like pastry and, I imagine, deep fried. It is very tasty, of course, but will kill you. Anyways, this got me prepared for what was to come: A trip to Sodolak's Original Country Inn for some chicken fried bacon! Sodolak's is located in Snook, which is about 2 hours outside of Houston, so the drive was long and full of anticipation! We arrived in Snook, a bustling metropolis of 568 people, at around 3:00, and found Sodolak's thanks to their quality sign:
It's a good thing I spotted the sign, because the front of the building was rather discrete:
In we went! The special that day was the "Small T-bone Steak", which both Fish and I ordered, along with an appetizer of the holy grail, the chicken fried bacon. The bacon came just after we got our salads (the vegetables seemed very out of place) and we basked in it's glory:
And here I am contemplating whether or not I want to lose the years on my life that would be taken away with each bite:
Of course, the aroma of bacon and grease made the decision easy. The bowl on the plate with the bacon is the sausage gravy dipping sauce. I must say, the meal was scrumptious, as can be attest to by phishbone23:
Happiness is battered and deep fried bacon. So then the "Small T-bone Steak" came out:
Good thing we didn't go for the medium or large steaks, I guess! So, mass eating ensued and we went back to Houston very happy and about 15 pounds heavier, each. If you ever find yourself in Snook, Texas (and I have no idea why that would happen to anyone) it is a necessity for you to visit Sodolak's and gorge yourself with steak and chicken fried bacon. It's totally worth a 2 hour road trip from Houston, too. I now know why Texas is full of really fat people.
After lunch we decided to head in to Galveston and check out a couple bars there. On our way we went past NASA where we witnessed a giant thumb attacking jets on a stick!
After that harrowing experience, we arrived in Galveston and I got to see the Gulf as well as drink some beers at a biker bar and getting shot. So the question is "Who Shot Mr. Kevin":
The day ended with Fish trying to trick me into going to a Karoke bar, but failing miserably. He doubted my lameness radar, but it was working well that night. So, we bought some Italian for dinner, bought some beers and drank the night away while playing the Wii, and breaking my shoulder. Day three would be the day to be remembered...
Day one actually started on Friday afternoon. I caught my flight out of Raleigh after a slight ten minute delay on way to Atlanta for my connecting flight. I got on and took my seat next to a rather attractive mommy with an 8 months old baby. It was to be a short flight, however, and the baby seemed in good spirits. Unfortunately, as we came to Atlanta there was a nasty thunderstorm and no planes were allowed to land or take off. We circled above a few times waiting for the storms to move, but began to run low on fuel and had to land in Augusta for refueling and to wait for Atlanta to reopen. So, after a half an hour detour to this new airport we got to sit on the tarmac for about an hour. At this time the baby sitting next to me started to become fussy and I changed seats with the mommy so she could have the inside seat to more discreetly breast feed her child. Sitting that close next to a stranger who is breast feeding her baby is rather uncomfortable, no matter how friendly and hot she was.
But, I survived the ordeal and the plane finally took off and landed in Atlanta. Everyone in the plane is now happy to get off as we pull up to the gate. Of course, nothing is that easy. The mechanized gate that they pull up to the plane got jammed and wouldn't move. So we all wait in the plane right in front of our gate for an engineer to come and try to fix it. About half an hour later, finally they tell us to go to another gate, which we finally do, and everyone rushes off the plane in rather foul moods. I was only delayed about 2 hours at this point, which would get me into Houston at around 11pm.
So, I board my connecting flight after a very short wait, and am in pretty good spirits as the flight wasn't full and I had an empty seat next to me, rather than a crying baby. Everyone gets on the plane and we're ready to go, right? Nope, the pilot comes over the speaker and tells us that we are waiting for 4 bags to be bought over and loaded on the plane. Half an hour later, he comes on again and says that we are still waiting for the bags. Forty five minutes later, either the bags show up or the pilot gets sick of waiting and takes off. I finally got into Houston a bit after midnight and met up with phishbone23 and his lady for a dinner and some beer before last call, which was 1:30. We then went to their lovely house and slept, getting ready for an exciting day two!
Thursday, August 23, 2007
"Shae and I got hooked on playing cornhole right after we moved out here. We have wanted to do an event that incorporates the sport for the past few years so we are excited that it's finally going to happen," said Palmer.
Hooray for cornhole! You just do what makes you happy, Carson! Who cares what everyone else thinks! Bring cornhole to the kids!
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Read this and come back to my commentary.
You read it?
Ok, so somebody tell me, why is it that when anyone tells one of these little stories God turns out to be a total dick? God is omniscient so he knows that if he just tells the climber guy to cut his rope, with no other explanation, the guy isn't going to do it. So God is just pretty much taunting this guy and setting up the ultimate "I told you so!" situation. He's a dick.
I love it when people imagine God this way. I guess you can tell a lot about people by how they imagine an omnipotent being. That being has a tendency to agree with them a lot, and to humiliate people that don't agree with them. I'm gonna tell ya, if I'm ever hanging off a cliff by a rope and I hear a voice telling me to cut the rope, I'm sure as hell not gonna, because even if there is a God and he is actually talking to me, I'm still not going to trust that dick. I'd end up plunging to my death and in the afterlife God would be like "I can't believe you cut the rope! You're such a moron! What did you expect to happen!? LOL!". Yes, that's right, in my imagination God would say "LOL". My idea of an omnipotent being speaks like a 12 year old girl who does too much text messaging. Now, what does that say about me?
Update: I just checked my itinerary and I actually don't leave until Friday. Oops! So I may post something tomorrow.