Saturday, December 22, 2007

Happy Holidays!

That's right, I am contributing to the war on Christmas. Everyone, go out and have and celebrate any damn holiday you want, and have lots of fun. I am off to Albany in a couple of hours and staying up there through New Years, so the posts will be lacking for the rest of this year. When I get back I should have lots of pictures from the amazing eating challenge. I believe these are the challenges being attempted this coming week:

20 Taco Bell Tacos (no lettuce) in 1 hour
12 McDonalds Cheeseburgers in 1 hour
40 Chicken McNuggets in one hour
3 Pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream in one hour.

And that's just on Wednesday, with possibly more to come on Friday! Gluttony is so Bangladesh! So, please check back in the New Years for a recap.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

A new word...

...for a new year (well, not a new word, but a new use for an existing word):

Bangladesh
1. (adj) great; fine; excellent
That hat is totally Bangladesh! I want to make love to it!
2. (verb) kicking ass; being the man; to serve someone in a dance contest
Yo bitch, you just got Bangladeshed!

Monday, December 17, 2007

Gotta post!

I haven't been very good at posting lately so I figure I should throw something old up here. Last June I came across an add on MSN's homepage. I briefly glanced at it and said, "What the fuck am I doing on MSN's main page?! They are taking these personalized ads way too far!"

Sean

Then I realized that it wasn't me in the ad, but rather it was Sofia Coppola. Imagine my embarrassment! Then, when I looked at this banner a third time, I realized that I do actually look a lot like Sean Lennon. I mean, he could be my brother in this picture. Hell, he may look more like my brother than my actual brother. Here I am for comparison:

Kev

Seriously, it's freaky. I think it's because we have a similar smirk. I am much taller, though, so obviously I'm the sexier man. That, and my dad is still alive, so I win.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Mmmmmmmm

I just got back from lunch at an Indian food buffet at which they had broccoli that was battered and deep fried. It was actually rather tasty as the batter had some good spice to it. Anyways, since this blog is at least sometimes devoted to gluttony, I figured I'd mention it. Also, I came up with a new food challenge. I want to see someone eat an entire Fudgie the Whale in an hour:

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

A funny thing....

I was walking around campus this past week and I saw an amazingly poignant saying on a button pinned on a girls jacket. I don't know if it was exam stress, but I just felt it was the perfect saying and I had myself a great chuckle and much better day after seeing it. It said:

"I'm surrounded by Mexicans"

Sunday, December 9, 2007

It's about time...

...that we had a leader willing to take a firm stance on one of the greatest threats to our lives:

Speaking of Fox News

You just can't beat this caption. I have a feeling that even they have gotten in on the satire of themselves...

Saturday, December 8, 2007

A new thing...

This post is where I visit the Fox News website, randomly pick a headline and make up the news story for it. Here we go...

Proposed Ban Could Put Carriages Out to Pasture
Saturday, December 08, 2007

Akron - In a bold move to protect the downtown shopping district, Akron town council members have unanimously voted to ban baby carriages at a town hall meeting last night. It was the first move on the council's agenda to make the town more safe from the threat of Muslim extremists.

Mayor Rick Hatton lead the charge with an impassioned speech at the beginning of the meeting, stressing the dangers of terrorism and the unconventional means with which the Muslim world means to wage war on our freedom.

"We now have a Muslim family living in Bradford County," Hatton told reporters. "The war on terrorism has finally reached our community and we must protect ourselves! I, for one, will not sit idly by while the followers of that heathen religion try to destroy everything we love!"

After reading a news story out of Baghdad, in which a suicide bomber detonated an explosive device hidden in a baby carriage, Hatton new that action must be taken to prevent a similar occurrence in his small town.

"I see women walking around with baby carriages all the time, and nobody ever thinks to search them!" said Hatton. "This must stop! I will not have my town destroyed by negligence on our part. We must get these carriages of death off our streets!"

In place of carriages, Hatton recommends the use of a new product called The Baby Sack, which are sold exclusively at Hatton's General Store on Main Street. The Baby Sack is a durable clear plastic sack and is described to be able to hold up to four babies at once.

"The Baby Sack is the best alternative to those dangerous contraptions of misery (baby cairrages)," said Hatton "They're clear, so we can all see if there is a bomb inside. Babies love them, too! Come get two or three, I'll give you a special deal at Hatton's General Store, where the savings are because I love America!"

Some people disagree with the town council's actions, including the newest resident Satya Salil.

"Everyone has been scared into a frenzy just by me moving in." an obviously angry Salil said. "I'm not even from the Middle East! My parents moved to America from India before I was born. I'm not even Muslim, I'm Hindi!"

Townspeople believe Salil's story is an obvious fake, conceived to cover up his terrorist activities, and have created a neighborhood watch to keep an eye on this dangerous new resident. Only time will tell if the terrorists will win the war with Akron, but it's obvious that the American residents of this small town will not go without a fight.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

A Megan Update

From an email I just got from my brother:

Megan is back home now after a 4 day hospital stay. She is able to
walk (slowly) with crutches, and we expect the recovery to take
several weeks. Her pain is manageable, and she can still nurse Mia, so
life is better. Megan is an amazing, strong woman who is determined to
get better as fast as possible, and seeing that I know things are
going to work out fine.

Thanks again to everyone for the cards, flowers, emails, phone calls,
hospital visits, offers to babysit, offers of food, etc etc etc. Her
sister and her family came down yesterday, my sister is here
currently, and Megan's mom will get here this weekend, so we're not
struggling. We feel very lucky to have such a strong support network
that effectively extends nationwide.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Was thinking of good movie ideas.....

Elephants on a Submarine
I "Still" Know Who Killed Me
xXx: State of the State (featuring Tony Hawk)
Godzilla vs. Transformers
Fat People (Michael Moore Documentary)
I Love New York: The Movie
Reno 911: Terry Goes Undercover(s)
Rocky Goes to Princeton
The Matrix 2 (Redone?)

had more but blanking.....feel free to contribute!

Monday, December 3, 2007

Bad news

My brother's (DrX) wife was in a car accident yesterday. Here is an excerpt from his email:

Sorry to mass email bad news, but I wanted everybody to know that Megan was injured in a pretty serious car accident this morning on I805. We're sketchy on the details about exactly what happened, but she was exiting the freeway and swerved to avoid a large plastic igloo-shaped doghouse that was blocking the lane. She lost control of the Corolla and was struck on the driver's side by at least one other car (there was a third involved too, apparently). She has a broken rib or two, her pelvis is fractured in several places, and she has some minor cuts and bruises. Mia was home with me at the time and is fine. It all could have been so much worse, and for that at least we're thankful.

Megan will be in the hospital for a few more days as she recovers. If anyone wants the info of where to send cards or flowers or anything else, send me an email and I'll forward it to you. And I urge you all to contact your congressmen and senators and urge them to support legislation to ban Eskimo dogs from making their homes on highway off-ramps.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Party!!!!

My company Christams/year end party is tonight! I'm gonna get drunk and take my pants off! Yeah! Rock on bitches!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

I'm moving!

So, I'm moving again. I've taken a faculty position at a University in Rhode Island, so we're moving. Back to the East Coast... From California, the biggest (by some measure or other), most self-important state in the union, to the smallest.

The Reunion

So, one of the main reasons I went up to New York over Thanksgiving was to go to my High School reunion, which was last Friday night. I suppose I should talk about it. Y'all can be my shrink. In a blog post before I left I said:

My high school experience wasn't particularly enjoyable, in fact I think it compares more aptly to a stay in prison than a high school, but I am relatively successful now, which means lots of rubbing it in the faces of everyone who was an asshole to me. Ah yes, I've been waiting for this moment.

Well, I had plenty of opportunity to rub in my moderate success, since a majority of the people there had made absolutely nothing of their lives. I just couldn't do it, though. It all really just depressed the hell out of me. Nobody changed, they were all the same people I went to high school with, and just being there in that room with them all, I felt exactly as I did in high school. I was once again a freak, an outcast, and a majority of the people there didn't even know who the fuck I was. I mean, I do look very different now, and when I told them who I was most people remembered me, but still.

I just couldn't enjoy myself. It really was hell. I didn't want to tell anyone about my life, because I knew the only reason that most of the people went to this thing was in hopes of finding that everyone was like them, that nobody had made anything of their lives. Of course they went to the high school reunion, they've been stuck there for the past ten years. There really wasn't anyone there, besides the people I went with, who I would care to see again. Fuck APHS.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

More Challenges!

Here are some more eating challenges to try over the Christmas vacation:

1. 12 McDonald's cheeseburgers in one hour.

2. 18 Boston Cream Dunkin Donuts by two people (one male one female) in one hour.

3. 15 Taco Bell tacos (with or without lettuce) in one hour.

4. 6 Cheeseburger Happy Meals with soda and fries in an hour.

5. 3 Medium Dominoes Pizzas in 1.5 hours.

6. 10 Ramen Noodles packages any flavor (12 if chicken) in 1 hour.

7. 20 Zingers (or similar) in 1 hour.

8. 3 Pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream (any flavor) in 1 hour.

9. 4 footlong meatball subs with cheese from Subway in 1 hour.

10. 4 boxes of Freihofer's chocolate chip cookies (it's an upstate NY thing).

11. 8 cans of Spaghetti O's in one hour.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

An Epic Challenge

Many have tried and almost all have failed. A challenge such as this is not to be taken on a whim, it takes great physical and mental preparation. I was lucky enough to be the witness of such an attempt at history, and here is my recap:

1. The Challenge
The participant must ingest one dozen Boston Cream Donuts from Dunkin Donuts within one hour, then must keep them down for 15 minutes after the final donut is eaten.

2. The Player


Josh (A.K.A "Powder"): 6'2" - 245 pounds of eating efficacy.

3. The Back Story
All great challenges begin in a barroom boast, and this one was no different. Over a couple beers at Andy's bar in Albany, Powder glanced out the window at the Dunkin Donuts across the street. The dream entered his mind right then.
"I could eat a dozen donuts." is what he said.
I was skeptical. "What about Boston Creme donuts?" I ask, "They are pretty damn heavy."
"I could eat a dozen Boston Cream Donuts easily."
And so the challenge was born. Preparation was needed. After 4 shots of Southern Comfort and a couple wings we were ready to begin.

4. The Result
We began the test of will at 11PM at the Albany apartment belonging to my good friend Bennett. Tensions were high as the test begun. I had riding on it a days worth of free meals and Powder, his pride. The first half dozen were quickly ingested within the first 15 minutes, but the rate quickly slowed. A half hour went by and 8 were residing in the stomach of this behemoth of gluttony. Two more were gone in the next fifteen minutes. Two donuts left, and just 15 minutes to eat them.
Just two donuts, but every bite was met with a grimace of pain. I wish I could tell you all I had witnessed a historic feat on Saturday night. I wish I could tell you that. But unfortunately, all I beheld was a man eat 10 and a half donuts in an hour. But, alas, the occasional failure is something we must all experience. As Teddy Roosevelt once said:

"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorius triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat."

I challenge you all to dare to dream your impossible dreams and never fear failure when trying to make them reality.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Goin' on a trip

Early Wednesday morning I am expecting to get up early and start the ten hour drive to upstate NY. It's Thanksgiving at the parents this year, since I'm the good kid. That's right, I'm the only one of us three children to make the trek home for Thanksgiving. My brother and sister must hate the parents and love the terrorists.
Anyways, another reason to go home is that the day after Thanksgiving my high school class is having its 10 year reunion. My high school experience wasn't particularly enjoyable, in fact I think it compares more aptly to a stay in prison than a high school, but I am relatively successful now, which means lots of rubbing it in the faces of everyone who was an asshole to me. Ah yes, I've been waiting for this moment. So, for you New York folks, I will see you soon, and for everyone else, there will be silence on this blog until next week when I recant the events of my mini vacation. Be good, and have a great Thanksgiving!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Let's go Saints!

Siena College's basketball team just pulled out one of the biggest wins in school history by giving Stanford a whooping up in Albany. As most of you know, I am an alumni of Siena, so this is friggin awesome. Too bad I'm in North Carolina and don't have any fellow alumni to celebrate and drink lot's of liquor with. Anyways, this is actually the second time that Siena has upset Stanford, the first being in the first round of the NCAA Tournament in 1989. I don't think Stanford will be agreeing to play us anymore, for they are now officially our bitches. Here's ESPN's telecast of the original upset in '89 (the Siena game comes on at around the 2:00 mark).

Friday, November 16, 2007

My true motives...

A couple weeks ago I called up DrX and told him that I am making him my main benificiary for my 401k plan. DrX made the mistake of agreeing without asking why. So now I reveal my plan. If I were to die, you must take care of my funeral with the money you get. That's right, DrX, it's all up to you! I know we have talked about this before, but I need to get what I want for a funeral in writing:

I want to have a zombie themed wake/funeral. Everyone has to come dressed as either a zombie or a fearful human. Also, if I am rich by the time I die, I want to be turned into an animatronic zombie so I can walk around at my funeral and mingle. This is probably something I am going to have to plan before I die. It may be tough to find someone to robotize my corpse. If there isn't enough money to make this happen, then maybe just tie some string on my limbs and torso and make me move around Weekend at Bernie's style. Just make sure I look like a zombie. Slip the mortician a few hundred to slice off my cheek or something. I need a good decomposing look. Also, serve some cow or pig brains at the wake, or post-wake party. And one more thing, I made a deal with my friend Powder that whichever one of us die first has all our friends play Taps on kazoos at the funeral.

I'm relying on you DrX. Make this happen. And if there is any money left over, buy my niece a guitar and make her learn some Ramones songs, and on the anniversary of my death you have to hit my grave with a baseball bat while she plays Beat on the Brat. I have no idea why this is a requirement, and it can probably be ignored. Don't worry, I'm not planning on dying anytime soon, so you have time to plan. Have fun with it.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Questions for the next presidential debate...

... followed by the correct answer:

Q. Would you eat a live puppy for increased national security?
A. Yes, I would eat a puppy to keep you safe from terrorists.

Q. What was your favorite childhood porno mag?
A. The terrorists want to kill us in our homes and eat our babies. There will be no more childhood, since all our babies would be taken away and raised in baby farms to be plumped up for crazy terrorist feasts. I liked Hustler.

Q. If China were a type of fruit, what kind of fruit would they be?
A. China would be a calamondin.

Q. Would you support new technology that could convert the souls of the damned into oil?
A. We need to end our dependence on foreign oil, or the terrorists will kill us all. I say we use the heathens and sinners to run our SUVs.

Q. Is a woman capable of anything more than making me dinner?
A. My wife has killed terrorists with her bare hands. So yes, women can be killing machines as well as your caretaker. They are all crazy and poor at math, however.

Q. Torture: right or wrong?
A. Torture is wrong. If you give it a nicer name, then it is ok.

Q. Do you like my hair?
A. September the 11th changed how America must look at the world. And since that day, your hair has given America the comfort we have sought in the face of certain death and destruction. Your hair, sir, is a national hero, and I'd like to make sweet love to it.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Late night ramble

People should be more comfortable with being wrong. Deep down, I think we all know that we know nothing, but we like to think that we have the answers. When someone comes along to challenge this facade, we get defensive. We hate being wrong. From a very young age we are taught in school that there are right answers and wrong answers, and it's very bad to have the wrong answers. Getting bad grades is something to be ashamed of. Being wrong is something to be ashamed of. Well, there are issues that aren't so obviously right and wrong. This also means that it has become very impolite to call someone else wrong, or to even challenge their beliefs. When it comes to the tough questions that don't have an obvious right or wrong answer, you get a lot of crazy beliefs, but if you call them crazy, you're just a dick. People think it's awful to be wrong, so you shouldn't try to prove them wrong, even if they obviously are.

To combat this attitude, I urge you all to start spouting off the craziest, most insane beliefs on any subject, just to try and get people to call you on your bullshit. You'll be amazed at how far you can go and still have people smile and nod at you. You know they think you're bat-shit insane, but they hardly ever say it. Are people talking politics? Tell them that you're not voting this year because you vowed long ago that you would never help an alien to get elected, and you're afraid that not a single one of the candidates are human. Are people talking about the weather? Tell them how rain is actually the tears of Jumba, the gorilla god, who is crying over the loss of his golden chalice which was stolen by the ferret god, Bynta. Have fun with it. And don't be afraid to call me or anyone else on their bullshit. The only way to make it socially acceptable is by forcing people to do it, right?

Monday, November 12, 2007

Iron Mike

Here I am, not able to sleep, so I'm watching a show called Ringside on ESPN Classic. This show has some guys sitting around, discussing a boxer and showing thier fights and interviews during thier career. It's a good show. Anyways, this episode is on the early years of Mike Tyson. Looking at Mike now, it's easy to forget how exciting and absolutely dominate and scary he was early on. The guy would absolutely maul people in the ring. Here's an early fight of his:

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Veteran's Day

Thanks, veterans, for fighting for the country. I think it's fucked up that you had to fight, but thanks for doing it. I may one day post my nut ideas about the military at some point, but not on Veteran's Day, I guess. Maybe tomorrow.

Friday, November 9, 2007

More recycling

It seems that on all issues people in this country automatically take a centrist view. They think "both sides are passionate, so they must both be right! I'll take the middle!". Pansies...

I think this is one of the reasons our science education is so behind pretty much every other industrialized country in the world. There are so many evangelicals speaking passionately against science, such as evolution or big bang theory, while a huge majority of scientists support these theories. The average citizen sees this conflict and chooses the middle, and we get crap like Intelligent Design "theory", which uses scientific language to present completely anti-science ideas, and people fall for it. People have to understand that science strives for truth, while it's opponents thrive for suppression. If a huge majority of scientists agree on a theory, it is because it is the best one available and supported by a massive amount of data and physical evidence. Something else to realize about science is it contains a completely open community. If you have a novel theory with sufficient evidence to back it, you can present it in any number of journals and present it to the scientific community. Now, the community may try to rip your theory apart, but experimentation and evidence doesn't lie, and if you have it right, your theory will stick. Now, no theory is ever final or perfect, and as new evidence presents itself a good theory will change to incorporate it, but sometimes new evidence will completely destroy a theory and you must start from scratch.

You constantly see nutcases proclaiming that the scientific community is trying to suppress their incredible new invention or theories, but this is ridiculous. If there was any validity to what they were doing, they would find many open arms, or at least silenced critics when nobody can find major flaws in their reasoning. This is how the world should work.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

An old story for y'all

He lost his nose due to an infected cut. I was the one who gave him that cut, purely by accident, of course. We were playing basketball and I scrapped the bridge of his nose with a finger nail while coming down with a rebound. If he had just washed it out and used a band aid, he'd still have his nose, but I still felt a little guilty. That is why I made him a prosthetic nose. I made it out of raisins to better simulate the feel of flesh, and didn't perceive the problems that would come from such a choice of material.

I presented him the nose and he was thrilled to have it. It fit perfectly in the hole that was still left in the middle of his face from the surgery. It was a brilliant piece of workmanship, I must say, and looked spectacularly real. He decided to take it out for a test run in the park and ran out the door with excitement. During the stroll he was the happiest I had seen him since the operation. His mood quickly changed, however, when we came upon a gaggle of crows. They must have been starving because as soon as they saw that big raisin nose sitting on his face they went wild. There must have been 50 or 60 of those bastards swooping down from the sky, pecking and clawing at his face as I looked on in horror, knowing not what to do. Finally the raisin nose was devoured, the crows lost interest and flew away. I rushed my friend to the hospital. He was lucky the damage was not more severe. Both eyes had been gouged badly and could not be saved, but all other damage was superficial in nature. I wonder how well grapes would work as prosthetic eyes...

note: Don't forget to vote! The poll is right there on the right part of the screen. Go here for examples of the poll answers.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

A new toy!

I just got a new toy in the mail today. It is the Garmin StreetPilot c550! GPS rules, man! Yeah, so now "the man" can track me, but at least I'll never get lost. Who wants to go on a road trip?

note: Wow, this post is practically a commercial. I assure you, Garmin is not a sponser of mine. This is just one of the times I have nothing to write about so I just brag about a new toy. Sorry. But if Garmin does want to be a sponser, I am listening. Or any other company, for that matter. Well, any company except Disney. Those bastards ruined my childhood. That's right, when I was five years old I was raped by Mikey Mouse...

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Another Poll

I'm gonna try doing another poll. Hopefully this one won't end up tied, and a miserable failure, like the last. Ok, so here is the question, followed by the choices with examples:

Which drug has had the best influence on the "rock music"?

1. Heroin



2. Pot



3. Cocaine



4. Religion




The choice is yours! Please vote!

11/10 update:
The longer the poll has stayed up, the more lame I have felt it has become. I have grown to hate this poll, so I have taken it down. The lesson for today: I should never commit myself to long term gags, because I will hate them after a day or two.

Monday, November 5, 2007

What is a real friend?

Would any of you guys ever help me dispose of a dead body with no questions asked? That is a real friend.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Nice!

That crazy Indian video is friggin great. For some reason it reminds me of this video, Apache by Tommy Seebach!!!!



It's a different kind of Indian, or white women dressed up like a different kind of Indian, at least. Check out YouTube for some great versions of this video dubbed with other songs. Prodigy's Breathe works perfectly.

Craziest Indian Video

Adblock

I hereby trump the Right Brothers. I have found the king wacky music video of all time.

OK, I'll just do it...

My guide to being popular, in just 5 easy steps:

1. Make a lot of money
This is an obvious one. If you have lots of money you can use it to make friends. Buy the bar a round of drinks, buy people dinner or just buy a bunch of whores to hang around with you. It's always easy to have a posse if you have money. Just find some guys who like whores and you can give them the skanky ones. Instant friends!

2. Acquire a lot of power
If you have money, it's easy to gain power. Just throw that money in the direction of powerful people and they will start doing you favors. Once you have some power you can start doing favors to those lacking in power, and they will owe you. That's when you force them to be your friend. Want me to take care of that speeding ticket for you? Come have dinner with me and I'll think about it.

3. Hone your deception skills
If you don't have any power or money, be good at pretending you do. Trust me, if people think you're rich, they just give shit to you for free. It's a fucked up world, I know. Anyways, to achieve that rich and powerful look, buy yourself a tux, a top hat and a monacle. Also grow a mustache.

4. Hate something
Develop some kind of irrational hate for something. It can be minority groups, corporations, religions, certain animals, it doesn't really matter. If you hate something, you will soon find other people who share that passion. Nothing brings people together like a shared hatred.

5. Put out
You want to be popular? Sleep with pretty much anyone. You'll never again have nothing to do on a Saturday night. And if you're good enough at it, you can start to charge and make some money. And if you're really good at it, you may be able to complete step #1.

I'm sure there are other ways to become popular, but I have a short attention span, so 5 is enough for me. Hope this helps, kids!

Friday, November 2, 2007

I have problems

I wrote this post just a couple days ago, and in it I said I would be posting ways to be popular. I have yet to post that. Let me tell you what happened. Whenever I do something like that (say I am going to post something in the future) I rarely end up fulfilling that promise. I have such an aversion to doing anything I feel I've been forced into, that I find it very difficult to do something even I've forced myself to do. Looking back at that previous post, I now feel that the posting I promised would be completely lame, and I've been avoiding writing it, even though I was enthusiastic about it, and came up with some good ideas just two days ago. I am rebelling against the past me, the me of two days ago. Fuck me from two days ago! I can't tell me what to write! I'm older and more wise than me, I'll write whatever the hell I want to write, and it'll be a fuck load* better than anything I wanted me to write! Hell yeah!


*A fuck load is a unit of measurement equivalent to 3,233.657 kg.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

I can be popular?

I stumbled across this guide in "How to Socialize, Be Funny and Make Friends", and have some major issues with it. First of all there are 17 steps to make all this happen. This is way too much for me. I need simplicity, damn it. Second of all, the very first step: Just be Yourself, totally contradicts almost all of the following steps for me. How can I be myself and, at the same time, follow such steps as: Be optimistic, Smile as much as you can, Don't expect perfection, Be patient, Place importance on making social contacts, Be nice to others and Be honest? That isn't me at all! Obviously this guide sucks ass, so I am going to make a better one for y'all. Check back in a couple days.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

I see your Shatner...

...and I raise you The Right Brothers! Sorry for not sticking to the Star Trek theme, but these guys are too perfect to pass up. Before you watch this, just know that this is not in any way a satire:



Yup, search for the Right Brothers on YouTube and you can also hear such classics as the anti-abortion Momma I Want to Live, or the anti-global warming Stop Global Whining. Because, you know, Global Warming is a creation of that damn liberal media and that evil Al Gore. An overwhelming percentage of scientists support it? Well, they were all just nerds in high school and want to get revenge on the popular kids by taking away thier SUVs.

William shatner in Lucy in the sky with diamonds

Dude, the Leonard Nimoy Bilbo Baggins song is nothing. You need to hear the William Shatner album from the 70s. This video contains the unaltered audio from the record, which I have in mp3 here somewhere.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Yet another reason...

...to hate Rudy Giuliani:

"I'm rooting for the Red Sox," the Republican presidential contender said in response to a question, sparking applause at the Boston restaurant where he was picking up a local endorsement.

In my opinion, the only redeeming quality that Rudy had was that he was a Yankees fan, but now he just throws that allegience away by saying he's rooting for the most hated rival for a few votes. At least he was able to make the statement without mentioning 9/11...

DrX and the Impending Fires of Doom

San Diego is seemingly having problems with flames. So, my question to the San Diego family of DrX is, what did you do!? Bad DrX! I told you not to play with matches! Anyways, I hope DrX and his family are safe and I would pray for that safety, but God is too busy determining the outcome of baseball games. Anyways, DrX, if you take any cool pictures of the fires be sure to post them here. Fire is perdy. Best of luck!

Monday, October 22, 2007

A long weekend

Sorry I haven't posted this weekend, I was in jail from Saturday night until Sunday afternoon. It turns out that in North Carolina it is illegal to destroy the holy bible. Absolutely ridiculous! What happened to the Bill of Rights? This is a free speech issue, and I intend to take it as far as I can. I mean, it is kind of embarrassing, but it's my right to use the pages of a bible in place of toilet paper. It was the only paper product in the bathroom at the time, I had no choice! Ok, so it wasn't exactly a bathroom, but a living room, but does that really matter? Now I can't defecate in my own living room? Ok, it wasn't exactly my living room, but what counts is that I thought it was. Yeah, so I broke a window to get in and the house just happened to belong to a certain US Senator, but I didn't know that at the time. I mean, there were a lot of people there, I thought it was a party for me at my apartment. But no, it was a fundraiser dinner, or some shit. I mean, the door was open to the public (if you paid $500 per plate), does it really matter if I used the window? This is such bullshit. Did we all the sudden move to Nazi Russia or something? This is America, dammit! I should be able to shit on the living room floor of any senator I want, and use their family bible to wipe. Fascists!

Friday, October 19, 2007

The problem with Omnipotence

What is the point of prayer? By praying to god you are trying to bring something to his/her/its attention, right? But if god is omnipotent why would he need things bought to his attention? He/she/it is all knowing and all seeing, so why are you wasting your time? He/she/it would already know, so don't bother saying you're praying for me. It's a hollow gesture.

Also, being all knowing, god would know the whole course of your life before you are born. He/she/it would know everything you do and say and think for infinity before you do. So how can you say that god has given us free will? In his/hers/its eyes, our life has already played out and we are just going through the motions. That's pretty friggin depressing. And if that's true, what is the point of this life? If god already knows how your life is going to play out before you even come into existence, then he also knows if you are worthy for heaven or if you should be damned to hell. Why delay the inevitable, then? Why wouldn't there just be an afterlife with no real life? This life would be completely pointless. Damn that's depressing. I guess it's a good thing I'm not religious.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Could it be I'm just getting old?

I just stumbled upon VH1 tonight which had on an old "Unplugged" concert of Alice in Chains, so I started watching it. Now, back in the day, I never was much of an Alice fan, but I wouldn't change the channel if they came on. Anyways, listening to it now, I start to yearn for those old days and I'm afraid I'm turning in to a cranky old man bitching about the music those damn kids listen to today. So, I ask all of you, is popular music today much more shitty than it was 15 years ago? I mean, I don't really like any modern bands. The great thing about the internet is that I can constantly discover new great bands from previous decades. It's better than waiting for the radio or MTV to tell me who I should be listening to. Anyways, I'm sure there is good modern music out there that I'm missing out on, but I know it isn't popular music, because that is all shit, and I'm too busy scouring the 70s for punk bands I like to search anything modern out. But if anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears. Get me back into the now! Find me some good bands to listen to!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

While we're talking of zombies....

Here's a great handbook for the apocalypse. You never know when society will collapse and need to be rebuilt, so study up! You can't be my friend unless you can help me survive the apocalypse, whether it be from nuclear war, massive economic collapse, zombie outbreak or squirrel revolution. Viva la revolucion de las ardillas!

Monday, October 15, 2007

Webcomic

Do any of my lovely readers feel like helping me make a webcomic? I have a great premise, but I don't have much time to actually make the comic. I may try anyways, but if anyone out there has any experience and free time to bring visualization to my scripts, it would be most welcomed!

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Watchin' Movies

I just watched 28 Weeks Later last night, and it was pretty good. I really liked 28 Days Later, and I was worried when I found out that Danny Boyle wasn't directing the sequel, but it was rather well done and followed the premise of the first well. Now, I know these aren't zombie flicks, exactly. The "zombies" in these movies are actually people infected with some virus that causes them to go crazy with rage. Otherwise they are still very much human, and can die just like a normal person, it's just that they really don't feel pain because they are so consumed with an animal urge to kill everything. They don't kill each other, though. So what's up with that? I could understand the Romero zombie movies, where the zombies don't attack each other, since they crave the flesh of the living, not the dead. But in these movies, why wouldn't two infected people try to rip each other apart?

Also, after the breakout in the second movie the infected seem to run around aimlessly a lot. Now, this has to use up a lot of energy. Do the infected ever sleep? I would think they would burn themselves out really quick if they were just running around looking for people to eat nonstop. What would the life span of someone who is infected be? A week? A month? Do they eat animals besides people? Why do they eat people, anyways? Can cannibalism be caused by overwhelming rage? I wouldn't think that would be a symptom. I mean, how many murders actually result in cannibalism? Even if someone is really angry and kills from rage, they don't then eat the person.

I know, I know, it's just a movie. I find it a pretty fun premise, though, and think it could stand to be fleshed out a bit more. But anyways, watch the movies if you haven't already.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Stupid baseball...

The Yankees lost in the first round of the playoffs last night, which makes me sad. At least my NY Giants are doing well now, so it's back to football. That's about all that's going on in my life right now. Oh, I got a new laptop, too. It's pretty sweet. Maybe it'll get me to blog a little more often. I have to start looking for better things to blog about, though. This post is just boring.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

A question

Do y'all know anyone who has a first and last name that are both just one syllable each? I started thinking about it, and I only know one that I can think of. I wonder how rare this is. Actually, now that I actually think about it, it isn't rare at all... Tom Cruise (or is it actually Thomas Cruise?), John Holmes, yeah, there are a bunch. I have just proved this post to be completely wrong and pointless. That's just how damned brilliant I am. I have the superior intellect to best one of the greatest minds on the planet... my own.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Ben Affleck is clueless

Ben Affleck believes that his relationship with Jennifer Lopez is what damaged his career.

It was probably bad for my career... I ended up in an unfortunate crosshair position where I was in a relationship and (the media) mostly lied and inflated a bunch of salacious stuff for the sake of selling magazines. And I paid a certain price for that.

Hmmm, let's see, what was more damaging to Ben's career? Was it dating J-Lo or it could have been Armageddon, Reindeer Games, Pearl Harbor, Daredevil, Gili, Jersey Girl, or Surviving Christmas? Maybe? You can star in so many awful, piece of shit movies before you become a total joke. If anything, the J-Lo relationship kept him in the spotlight a year or so longer than he should have been. And he used those several months to make Gili... Ben Affleck, if you actually read scripts before you accepted roles, maybe you'd still have a career, no matter who you're banging. Ben gets a lot of criticism for being an awful actor, but there are worse out there who have solid careers (hello Keanu Reeves!). So, my advice to Mr. Affleck: Learn to read a script and stay far away from The Bay.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Bio for DrX

It may be a little long, but I got carried away...

Daniel “Shleppy” Johnson was born in rural upstate New York in the roaring 20s. The son of a bootlegger by the name of Johnny Two-arms, Dan was quick to participate in the family business. By the age of 11, Dan was smuggling trucks full of Canadian whisky across the border during the day and was the life of the party in various speak-easies by night.


This life of infamy and riches continued throughout his teenage years until the start of World War II. It is said that Dan learned of Pearl Harbor when he was awaken from a deep sleep, following a night of drinking with several chorus girls, by his good friend Henry Fonda and told of the catastrophe. Dan immediately volunteered for the Marines where he fought in the Pacific Theater. On October 3rd, 1944 Dan was wounded when a bamboo tree fell on his head. He wasn’t wearing a helmet at the time, and in fact refused to ever wear one saying, “What do I need a helmet for? If someone shoots me in the head I’ll kick them in the (profanity deleted) !”


Upon his return to the United States, Dan was arrested for his previous life of bootlegging. The trial lasted just 3 days, during which Dan acted as his own lawyer and quickly managed to charm the entire court. The prosecuting attorney for the case was quoted as saying, “I dropped all charges. Yes, we may have had a solid case against Mr. Johnson, but he promises to be good, and that’s good enough for me!”


Dan, following the trial, wanted to get away from his old life (and pending paternity suits) and decided to change his last name to (insert last name). To further distance himself from his previous employment, Dan decided to get a degree in Chemistry, knowing that his experience with brewing bathtub gin would aid in his studies. Dan graduated from SUNY Albany with honors and went on to Johns Hopkins for his PhD. Currently Dan holds a post-doc position at UCSD and lives a law-abiding life with his wife Megan and baby daughter Mia. It is said that Dan maintains his ties with organized crime, but despite many FBI investigations no significant evidence has been collected. One thing that everyone can agree on is that Dr. Dan (insert last name) is one bad mother…

Saturday, September 29, 2007

A contest I never entered...

A little over a year ago, a burrito bar in Albany was having a contest for their customers to make a commercial, and the winner would get some prize or something and get their commercial aired as the official Bombers Burrito commercial. Now, I kind of liked Bombers, and went there fairly regularly for Friday happy hours, so I decided I was going to give this a try. I wrote up a couple scripts, but I didn't have a camera, a job, any money, and none of my friends were as enthusiastic about it as I, so it never got done. I have stumbled upon one of the scripts I wrote, and I find it to be brilliant. I will now print it on this blog, and give everyone permission to steal it for use in their commercial. I just want to see it made, I need no royalties or even any acknowledgment, just give me a copy of it.

Ext. Day: There are a crowd of people all surrounding a man in a white robe in a desert. They are all dressed in tattered clothing of biblical times.

Caption: Easter Sunday, 0AD

We zoom in and see the man in the white robes is Jesus, still wearing his crown of thorns and has wounds from his crucifixion.

Man in crowd: Oh, it's a miracle! Why have you come back to us? What great wisdom have you arisen from the dead to tell us?

Jesus looks the man in the eye, places his hand on his shoulder and begins to speak in a deliberate soft voice to the crowd.

Jesus: My children, I haven't come back for you. I came back for one last Bomber's burrito!

Cut to the Bombers logo and the slogan: Bombers burritos: Better than heaven.
Cut back to Jesus with a burrito in his hand.

Jesus: Hey, I eat em.

Jesus takes a bite from his burrito and winks at the camera.

I also have alternate slogans for the commercial:
Bomber's Burritos, crucifixion not necessary for purchase.
Bomber's Burritos, it's better than fish and loaves.
Bomber's Burritos, a taste of salvation.
With a Bomber's burrito in hand, who needs religion?

Thursday, September 27, 2007

I dig Jesus?

I'd like to continue this religion discussion, started by phishbone23, and I figured I'd make a full post of it, rather than leave a huge comment on our other thread.

Out of curiosity, when's the last time all you readers went to church? Funerals and weddings don't count. Fish, you didn't go regularly as a kid, did you? I know DrX and I didn't. Maybe the lack of God in our formative years actually caused us to look for real answers to our questions, leading us to careers in science. Now, going to church as an adult is a rather dull experience. It's been about two years since I went last (I went because of a girl, of course!) and in all that time, I never once felt I was missing out by spending my Sunday mornings sleeping in and getting ready for football.

Ask most any God-fearing person what the world would be like without religion and they would describe a society without morals and discipline. We would all be free to do whatever we want all the time, without worry of punishment in the afterlife. There would be chaos as people try to grasp a life without an ultimate meaning.

I believe that if religion finally died out we'd have a society full of science nerds. People would no longer be able to retreat to the trustworthy "Because God did it" explanation to answer their tough questions, they would actually have to search for the real answers. Inquisitiveness would be encouraged from the youth. There would be no more dead end answer to questions that you don't know the answer to. People could actually admit that they don't know, and then try to find out. People would turn to the physicists, biologists and chemists to answer their questions rather than to their religious leaders. I think this is the biggest misunderstanding that religious folks have of atheists. They accuse us of believing in nothing and being close minded, when all we are doing is looking for the real answers to the world around us. The existence of God is a seemingly unnecessary hypothesis that has no evidence to support it. Give us evidence and we'll believe, we say, but in all the years of humanity, that evidence has never come. The silence speaks volumes.

Now, I know that I most definitely don't speak for all nonbelievers. Let them tell you why they are what they are. Most are much more militant in their atheism than I. After all, I would go back to church in a minute if it got me closer to a beautiful woman, but all the churchin' in the world couldn't make me believe. Talk is cheap, give me some hard evidence if you want to convert me.

Define me

OK, Kevthegreat. I need a bio for our lab's website. I don't want something serious, so please use your...creativity...to come up with something interesting (though not entirely vulgar) that I can submit. And I seriously will use whatever you come up with.

Try and capture the essence of how we grew up.

Babies are ugly

I mean, they rarely have any hair, they have little squinty eyes, and they smell. Not only that, but their faces are always all scrunched up and they cry too much. I mean, would a little makeup kill them? Stupid babies, put some effort in, eh? We're all sick of looking at your ugly little faces. Dress it up!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Grand ponderance of the day.....

If God exists, then why not make it known in an unambiguous way? The fact that we have a free choice to believe or not believe, makes me think that He/She/It either does not exist, or does not care. So why should we care? I think religion is for people that have a need to be told what to do all the time. The next time I have an encounter with a police officer, I think I will call him Reverend.

Useless critters

I hate puppies. They are nothing more than overgrown rats, vessels for disease and a cold black heart. I can hardly blame other dogs for trying to eat them. Whenever I get near a puppy I cringe at the incessant yapping and playfulness and have an overwhelming urge to stomp on them. Puppies suck. Stupid puppies...

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Drawing a blank

My life isn't very exciting, you know? I don't really have much to write about right now. If you have any suggestions leave a comment. I have time to blog, but have a bit of the blogger's block.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Family Guy Suck Wars

Did anyone happen to watch the new Family Guy episode last night? It was an hour Star Wars episode. Yes, it was like Star Wars, only filled with pop culture references, mostly from the 80s. I have to say it was absolutely awful. I have a comedy tip for all you out there, just referencing something from pop culture isn't funny. How about throwing some jokes in every once in a while? But, this is what Family Guy has become. It is so lazy that it just fills the show with complete non-sequiturs, but when it actually tries put a whole show together with an actually story and plot, even if it is copying Star Wars, it fails miserably.

I'm pretty sure this show used to be funny, but I think I'd have to go back to the first couple seasons to be sure. It could be that I just got sick of the Family Guy formula... Anyways, here's a great example of what I'm talking about. Over at Joe Mathlete's Great American Blog, he edited an episode from last season to take out all of the sequences that have absolutely nothing to do with the plot of the show. This cut out half of the show, and what's left runs a total of 12 minutes. Let's all boycott the show, the writers have obviously stopped caring and are putting in a minimal effort. Why should we reward laziness?

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Reunion time!

Today I realized that I will actually be in Albany at the time of my ten year high school reunion, meaning I'll be able to go if I'm invited. Now, that is a big if. I wasn't exactly popular in high school, so I may not get the invite, which is a shame. I am now moderately successful and could have a lot of fun rubbing it in. Ah, we'll see. I don't really have anything else to post, in fact it's hard to think of anything other than Reese Witherspoon's mutant chin. It's in my dreams...

Thursday, September 20, 2007

What's up with...

...Reese Witherspoon's chin? I'm watching Pleasantville (good movie! I've seen it half a dozen times) and I realized that lately Reese Witherspoon's chin has grown to ridiculous proportions. I come with photos to prove my point!

Here is Reese at the age of 22 in Pleasantville (1998):


And here she is today:


So what is she storing in that gigantic chin of hers? I think I have found Iraq's WMDs! Somebody alert the president!

Music time!

I don't know why this amuses me so much, but it does. It's the Lawrence Welk band rocking out to a song about heroin and trannies by one of the greatest bands ever! Dubbing is fun!


Wednesday, September 19, 2007

I try not to get political...

People, you have to understand, your politicians aren't necessarily intelligent. I don't know how it is in other countries, but in the United States the current state of political discourse requires no intelligence from our politicians other than them memorizing a series of talking points given to them.

Please, don't assume that your representatives know what they are doing. You may not be deeply involved in politics or law, but you have the right to criticize all the politicians you want, and everyone else does, too. Not only is it your right, but it's your duty to criticize your government when you feel that they are doing something wrong, because that is the only way it will be changed.

Before voting for someone at least try to find some interviews that they have done, or, in a pinch, a debate (although debates are ridiculous, too, as I've noted). Just try and get an idea for who you are voting for, because right now guys like this, who spout off fear tactics and bigotry to consolidate power, are reaching influential levels of our government. There are way too many power hungry dumb asses in this world, let's try not to have them represent us.

Chechnya, you annoy me!

I keep getting emails from widows hailing from Chechnya who's high ranking military husbands were killed in a bomb attack. They have funds they want to invest in my country. I've received the same email from two different addresses with two different names: Mrs. Diana Smith (that's a Chechen name, if I've ever heard one!) and Mrs. Susan Saivonic. The funny part is the email that comes from Mrs. Saivonic is from the email address mrssmith77@yahoo.com. So go ahead and fuck with the scammers if you want to have fun. I don't have the time or effort to put into it. Here's the message if anyone cares:


Dear Beloved,

I am mrs suzzan saivonic a widow.I am very sure that this mail will bring lots of surprises and curiosity to you since there was no previous correspondence between us before now. am a widow of one of the top rulers in Chechnya, My husband died along side with the Chenchna president who was killed in a bomb attack early last year in a parade ground.

I have some funds for investment in your country.Please if you can be of help, get back to my family lawyer based in London for more details:

Name :Barrister Bill Carson
Tel: +44 702 4021849
Email:barrister3_esq@yahoo.co.uk

Thanks
mrs suzzan saivonic

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Almost an anniversary!

October 14th is the two year anniversary of me getting fired from my first full time job. The reason, I was told, was that I am not a "team player". Now, for the last two years I've thought of comebacks to this, that I didn't think of at the time. See, at the time I used reason and logic to show that this was bullshit, but now I realize I would have felt better if I just used one of these witty comebacks:

1. "I'm not a team player? That's not what your mom said last night when I was triple teaming her with a midget and a donkey! Get it? Your mom's a whore! I'm out!"

2. "Your face isn't a team player! Because you're ugly! And your ugliness scares people! I'm out!"

3. "I may not be a team player, but at least I slept with your wife! She was ok... I'm out!"

See, when getting fired and using a snappy comeback, you have to end it with "I'm out!" and then walk out the door, never to be seen again. That's how it works folks. Anyone got any other snappy comebacks that readers can use if they find themselves in a similar situation?

Monday, September 17, 2007

God heals Kitna

Here's a great story from the NFL. Detroit Lions quarterback John Kitna was sacked in the second quarter of their game against the Vikings yesterday and received a concussion. He was expected to be out the rest of the game, but came back for most of the fourth quarter and overtime to help win the game. Kitna's explanation:

I've never felt anything like that, and for it to clear up and go right back to as normal as I can be, is nothing short of a miracle," Kitna said Monday. "I just definitely feel the hand of God. That's all it was. You can't explain it.

That's right, there is no explaining it, other than a miracle. There is no way someone can feel better more than an hour after receiving a minor concussion. It's impossible!

Look, if God were a fan of the NFL, it's obvious he hates the Lions. They've made the playoffs like once in the past forty years. They're horrible and have been forever. Jesus hates the Lions, mark it down. He told me. That's right, Jesus appeared in the form of a pastrami sandwich and told me he hates the Detroit Lions and that he purposely gave Kitna the concussion in the first place, and he was sorry he didn't make it worse to keep him out of the rest of the game. Then I ate the Jesus/sandwich and He was delicious. He could have used more mustard, though...

Sunday, September 16, 2007

A positive post?

I figure since I've been watching a lot of movies lately (I have no social life down here, but I'm kind of digging it) I might as well recommend the good ones, rather than just bitching about Pirates of the Caribbean. So, this weekend I watched two movies: The Big Sleep and The Killing Fields.

The Killing Fields was an ok movie, that is definitely watchable. It's based on a true story about an American reporter and his interpreter/guide in Cambodia during the Vietnam war. I found it a bit disjointed and muddled at times, and to tell you the truth, Sam Waterson's beard really annoyed the shit out of me throughout the whole film. Trim that thing, damn it! And why is it so damn dark? That can't be natural! It's like his beard hair is so dense and disheveled that no light is able to escape. It's a watchable movie, though, especially for Haing S. Ngor's Oscar winning performance.

The Big Sleep was a absolutely wonderful movie. It stars Bogart as a private eye (of course) who gets mixed up in a blackmail scheme and a hard-boiled dame (Lauren Bacall). The film actually has quite a bit of humor that is surprisingly dark, and some of the greatest dialog ever, in my opinion. It is really a great movie that you should watch. Follow it up with The Maltese Falcon and then watch Brick and you will appreciate that film immensely. I can't help but smile thinking about it. Great movies just make me so damn happy sometimes.

Anyways, with all my bitching, I felt I needed a fairly positive post like this. Hope you enjoy it, because there will be much more for me to rant about in the future. Hope y'all had a great weekend!

Football is dumb...

Why do I bother watching when my team is absolutely awful? But still I watch, and I yell and I throw things and I threaten my tv with physical harm. Maybe they will be so bad this season that I'll stop caring and watch with nothing but apathetic acceptance. We will see. At least there's still baseball. Go Yankees!

Saturday, September 15, 2007

More complaints

It seems like this blog has turned into nothing but me bitching about everything. I have no problem with this, and to continue my streak of bitching posts I bring you this: I just watched the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie, and wow was it awful.

Now, it's not like I thought the first was all that good, but at least it was watchable. I wish the studios would just give up on these lame sequels, but I guess that has always been a problem. Rather than funding any original, creative movies, they would rather give money to Deuce Bigalow II, since they at least have an idea of the audience and what the ticket sales will be. Whether a film is good or not doesn't matter at all, just that there is an audience for it. And that's why Dane Cook is still in movies. As unoriginal a comic, and as awful of an actor he is, he has a known audience that will go see any shit that is churned out as long as he is in it.

But I guess the studios know what they are doing. After all, the lowest grossing film in which Adam Sandler starred was Punch Drunk Love, which was by far the most critically acclaimed film he has been in (and one of my personal favorites). Meanwhile Little Nicky, one of the biggest pieces of shit ever recorded to film, grossed well over twice as much. So, film is a business, and it rewards shit, so that is what is put out as the product. Alright, I guess my bitch session is done for today. Everyone have a good weekend.

Once again...

Sorry for the lack of posts this week. Work has been a complete bitch. I've had to work crazy hours to put out some material for a conference in Vegas that I don't even get to go to. Damn it! It's just not fair. I want to go to Vegas, dammit!

Thursday, September 13, 2007

I've had to remind myself...

That today is Thursday and not Friday. Stupid Thursday! Why can't you be more like Firday? You are a failure of a day! I am very disappointed in you, Thursday.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

One more thing...

Why do people still put Dane Cook in movies? How many shit bombs can one no talent hack make before he's finally left alone to die a meaningless lonely death, knowing that he has contributed to society in no positive way?

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

By the way...

While I'm making fun of current pop stars, Avril Lavigne is not punk. Avril Lavigne has never been punk. Avril Lavigne has nothing to do with punk. If I hear one more person describe her music as punk I will punch them in the head. Blink 182 is not punk. Sum 41 is not punk. The fact that they are described as punk only proves that punk is dead and has been dead for so long that the media has no idea what it even is.
I tell you what though, the next time someone plays in a Texan bar full of people that hate them, gets their nose busted on stage and starts spitting blood on and taunting the audience, while continuing the song because you're so strung out on heroin that you can't feel anything and eventually try to kill someone with your bass, I may reconsider...


Monday, September 10, 2007

Bite the bullet....

Well, you wanted to know what it was, so here ya go! See if you can find the hidden Texan slang...

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid958623458/bclid769453037/bctid1165620542?src=rss'

Why!?


Why do I have to live in North Carolina? It's fucking September! It should not be over 100 degrees! Argh...


Joining the 21st century

I'm thinking of buying a mp3 player. Anyone have any suggestions? I don't need it to have video capabilities, just an mp3 player with a lot of space (at least a couple gigs). Sell it to me!

Anti-smoking Commercials

There seem to be a goal of anti-smoking TV commercials to scare you out of smoking by showing disgusting images. This is all well and good, I suppose, but when you see the same commercial of a guy smoking through a hold in his neck about 500 times in one day, you kind of become desensitized to it. Now when I see this commercial I find myself thinking, "Eh, I don't think it'd be all that bad to live with a hole in my neck. I mean, it's a great conversation starter. Plus, if for whatever reason, you lose the ability to speak you can get one of those voice synthisizer things that you hold up against your throat and then you can sound like a robot. How cool is that? I want to sound like a robot! Maybe I'll take up smoking!"
Then I realize that I am considering taking up smoking in hopes that I get cancer and need a hole in my neck and a voice synthesizer thing to speak, just to show people that it's pretty cool to have to talk like a robot. That's usually when I change the channel...

Sunday, September 9, 2007

It's here!

Football season has started! My Sundays are once again meaningful. I have a 12 pack chilling in the fridge, a bag of chips in the cupboard and all day to sit on my ass and watch the games. I'm happy... Go Giants!

Friday, September 7, 2007

Commercial time

Ok, I don't mean to waste your time posting commercials on here, but there are some rather funny ones for a Raleigh car dealership with a badger in it. I figure none of you have seen these commercials since you don't live in Raleigh, so I wanted to share. Again, I hate commercials and all, but the badger really amuses me, and I'm here to share with y'all! Anyways, this one is my favorite commercial of the series:

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Why is there a chubby girl singing on my tv?

I don't know why I'm watching it because it's shit, but I am watching the pregame show to the first football game of the season (for you Europeans, I am referring to American football). Anyways, they start the show off with Kelly Clarkson singing some song she sings, and I have to say, she's pretty chubby. Now, I have nothing against chubby or ugly people being musicians, but what's the point in pop music? None of these people write their own songs or music, they just sing them. Sure Kelly Clarkson has a good singing voice, but you can't tell me the people who write her music for her can't find someone hotter who they can teach to sing. Now, if Kelly actually writes her own music, I do apologize, and I say carry on, chubs! But I really doubt she does, and I'm too lazy to look it up. Anyways, I just find it odd that people would write songs for her when they could do the same for hot people who will draw more of an audience. If you have no creativity to write your own music and the only thing you can do is sing, then you better be hot, otherwise get out of music. That's all I'm saying. So, my message to Kelly Clarkson: either write your own damn songs, or get off the stage! Is that too harsh?

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Fine, I'll post

I'm thinking about getting some video editing software, but I don't really have any of my own video to edit, so I'm trying to think of fun stuff to do with it just to get comfortable with it. I'm thinking it might be fun to do extremely lame tributes to pop culture icons, or over dramatized documentary type narration of really insignificant, pointless events. I need to produce something that is a complete waste of my time and the time of anyone who watches it. That's my goal. Any good ideas?

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

I'm back!

And busy as fuck at work. I'll try to post something exciting later today, but I may just pass out when I get home. Those damn 6AM flights suck.

Friday, August 31, 2007

I'm a traveling mad man!

I am off to Albany, NY tonight! The trip won't be nearly as exciting as Houston, I'm sure, but I'll take some pictures if I have any adventures and post them when I get back. It'll most likely be a quiet trip, though. Everyone have nice long good weekend, except for the European readers.

Note: It's not that I don't want our European friends to not have a good, long weekend, it's just that Monday isn't a holiday for you. You could always take it off, though. What do the French do with their days off? Do you put on your best beret, buy a big loaf of bread and pack of cigarettes, then go to a nice sidewalk cafe and sit around sipping espresso, while complaining about the damn Americans? That's what I imagine happens. Stereotyping is fun! Give it a try! I know we occasionally have British readers, so what does a Brit do with their days off? Do they get up at noon go down to the local pub and have a few pints while watching football, yelling at the tv, punching opposing team's fans, and singing drinking songs, all the while complaining about the damn Americans? Hmmmm, what other readers can I alienate? I'll have to think about it. In the meantime, feel free to post some more fun stereotypes in the comments!

Thursday, August 30, 2007

I apologize...

...for the lack of exciting posts this week. I've been busy catching up at work after my vacation, and I also am trying to get ahead since I am once again traveling over Labor Day. If there are going to be any Albany folks around this coming Labor Day weekend who want to get together, give me a shout.
What the hell is Labor Day about, anyways? Take a day off to celebrate working? It doesn't make sense. Why should we have a national holiday to celebrate working? People only work because they have to, it's not like it's some noble sacrifice. I don't really care enough to look up the history of Labor Day, so there is probably some legitimate reason for it, and I'm not going to complain since it is a paid day off, but I still think it's stupid.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Headaches...

I have had a wicked headache all day. That's the worst. It feels like there is a weasle inside my skull, trying to get out by pushing through my eye sockets. Damn you weasle! I new I should have never let you take refuge in my skull! You said you just wanted to take a nap, but I knew I shouldn't trust you! Stop trying to pop out my eyes!

Monday, August 27, 2007

Day 3!

To recap here are links to day 1 and day 2 of my trip to visit phishbone23 in Houston. Now, I move onto day 3! I woke up at around 9AM rather hung over and stumbled into the living room to see that Hulk was on. Yay! Anyways phishbone23's women went to the donut store and bought us some donuts, breakfast burritos and this thing:


I believe it is called a kolatche and it is one of the things Texans enjoy for breakfast, which is why they are all very fat. It consists of a sausage that is wrapped in a corn dog like pastry and, I imagine, deep fried. It is very tasty, of course, but will kill you. Anyways, this got me prepared for what was to come: A trip to Sodolak's Original Country Inn for some chicken fried bacon! Sodolak's is located in Snook, which is about 2 hours outside of Houston, so the drive was long and full of anticipation! We arrived in Snook, a bustling metropolis of 568 people, at around 3:00, and found Sodolak's thanks to their quality sign:


It's a good thing I spotted the sign, because the front of the building was rather discrete:


In we went! The special that day was the "Small T-bone Steak", which both Fish and I ordered, along with an appetizer of the holy grail, the chicken fried bacon. The bacon came just after we got our salads (the vegetables seemed very out of place) and we basked in it's glory:


And here I am contemplating whether or not I want to lose the years on my life that would be taken away with each bite:

Of course, the aroma of bacon and grease made the decision easy. The bowl on the plate with the bacon is the sausage gravy dipping sauce. I must say, the meal was scrumptious, as can be attest to by phishbone23:


Happiness is battered and deep fried bacon. So then the "Small T-bone Steak" came out:



Good thing we didn't go for the medium or large steaks, I guess! So, mass eating ensued and we went back to Houston very happy and about 15 pounds heavier, each. If you ever find yourself in Snook, Texas (and I have no idea why that would happen to anyone) it is a necessity for you to visit Sodolak's and gorge yourself with steak and chicken fried bacon. It's totally worth a 2 hour road trip from Houston, too. I now know why Texas is full of really fat people.

Houston Trip: Day 2

You can read my day 1 recap here. Now, day two was a sleep in day. I got up at about 11AM and soon phishbone23, his woman and I all went out for lunch at a Mexican place of a name I can't recall. Anyways, this is where it was confirmed to me that portions of food are definitely bigger in Texas. I ordered the fajitas:



After lunch we decided to head in to Galveston and check out a couple bars there. On our way we went past NASA where we witnessed a giant thumb attacking jets on a stick!


After that harrowing experience, we arrived in Galveston and I got to see the Gulf as well as drink some beers at a biker bar and getting shot. So the question is "Who Shot Mr. Kevin":



The day ended with Fish trying to trick me into going to a Karoke bar, but failing miserably. He doubted my lameness radar, but it was working well that night. So, we bought some Italian for dinner, bought some beers and drank the night away while playing the Wii, and breaking my shoulder. Day three would be the day to be remembered...

I'm back! With Pictures!

Hello everyone! I am now back from Houston and am damn tired. It was a good visit, however, that included a road to the home of chicken fried bacon, Sodolak's Original Country Inn! I have lot's of stories and pictures that I can post, but to keep the post sizes manageable I'll break them up. So, let me start with day one:

Day one actually started on Friday afternoon. I caught my flight out of Raleigh after a slight ten minute delay on way to Atlanta for my connecting flight. I got on and took my seat next to a rather attractive mommy with an 8 months old baby. It was to be a short flight, however, and the baby seemed in good spirits. Unfortunately, as we came to Atlanta there was a nasty thunderstorm and no planes were allowed to land or take off. We circled above a few times waiting for the storms to move, but began to run low on fuel and had to land in Augusta for refueling and to wait for Atlanta to reopen. So, after a half an hour detour to this new airport we got to sit on the tarmac for about an hour. At this time the baby sitting next to me started to become fussy and I changed seats with the mommy so she could have the inside seat to more discreetly breast feed her child. Sitting that close next to a stranger who is breast feeding her baby is rather uncomfortable, no matter how friendly and hot she was.

But, I survived the ordeal and the plane finally took off and landed in Atlanta. Everyone in the plane is now happy to get off as we pull up to the gate. Of course, nothing is that easy. The mechanized gate that they pull up to the plane got jammed and wouldn't move. So we all wait in the plane right in front of our gate for an engineer to come and try to fix it. About half an hour later, finally they tell us to go to another gate, which we finally do, and everyone rushes off the plane in rather foul moods. I was only delayed about 2 hours at this point, which would get me into Houston at around 11pm.

So, I board my connecting flight after a very short wait, and am in pretty good spirits as the flight wasn't full and I had an empty seat next to me, rather than a crying baby. Everyone gets on the plane and we're ready to go, right? Nope, the pilot comes over the speaker and tells us that we are waiting for 4 bags to be bought over and loaded on the plane. Half an hour later, he comes on again and says that we are still waiting for the bags. Forty five minutes later, either the bags show up or the pilot gets sick of waiting and takes off. I finally got into Houston a bit after midnight and met up with phishbone23 and his lady for a dinner and some beer before last call, which was 1:30. We then went to their lovely house and slept, getting ready for an exciting day two!

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Carson Palmer: Corn Hole enthusiast

This is an old news item but I just came across it. The starting quarterback for the Cincinatti Bengals, Carson Palmer, held an event last year called the "Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic". Seriously. It seems that Mr. Palmer has become a big fan of cornhole in his free time:

"Shae and I got hooked on playing cornhole right after we moved out here. We have wanted to do an event that incorporates the sport for the past few years so we are excited that it's finally going to happen," said Palmer.


Hooray for cornhole! You just do what makes you happy, Carson! Who cares what everyone else thinks! Bring cornhole to the kids!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

A repost!

I posted this on my old blog back in June:

Read this and come back to my commentary.

You read it?


You sure?


Ok, so somebody tell me, why is it that when anyone tells one of these little stories God turns out to be a total dick? God is omniscient so he knows that if he just tells the climber guy to cut his rope, with no other explanation, the guy isn't going to do it. So God is just pretty much taunting this guy and setting up the ultimate "I told you so!" situation. He's a dick.

I love it when people imagine God this way. I guess you can tell a lot about people by how they imagine an omnipotent being. That being has a tendency to agree with them a lot, and to humiliate people that don't agree with them. I'm gonna tell ya, if I'm ever hanging off a cliff by a rope and I hear a voice telling me to cut the rope, I'm sure as hell not gonna, because even if there is a God and he is actually talking to me, I'm still not going to trust that dick. I'd end up plunging to my death and in the afterlife God would be like "I can't believe you cut the rope! You're such a moron! What did you expect to happen!? LOL!". Yes, that's right, in my imagination God would say "LOL". My idea of an omnipotent being speaks like a 12 year old girl who does too much text messaging. Now, what does that say about me?

The quest for a heart attack

I am off to Houston tomorrow afternoon to visit our very own phishbone23, so this is probably my last post until I get back on Monday. If I remember to I'll take some pictures to post. We may even make it to the home of chicken fried bacon if one of us is sober enough to drive! Who knows, I may post an update of our fun while I'm there, but don't count on it. DrX will have to pick up the slack! Or the blog can be silent for a few days, I guess. Everyone be good while I'm gone!

Update: I just checked my itinerary and I actually don't leave until Friday. Oops! So I may post something tomorrow.

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