Saturday, November 3, 2007

OK, I'll just do it...

My guide to being popular, in just 5 easy steps:

1. Make a lot of money
This is an obvious one. If you have lots of money you can use it to make friends. Buy the bar a round of drinks, buy people dinner or just buy a bunch of whores to hang around with you. It's always easy to have a posse if you have money. Just find some guys who like whores and you can give them the skanky ones. Instant friends!

2. Acquire a lot of power
If you have money, it's easy to gain power. Just throw that money in the direction of powerful people and they will start doing you favors. Once you have some power you can start doing favors to those lacking in power, and they will owe you. That's when you force them to be your friend. Want me to take care of that speeding ticket for you? Come have dinner with me and I'll think about it.

3. Hone your deception skills
If you don't have any power or money, be good at pretending you do. Trust me, if people think you're rich, they just give shit to you for free. It's a fucked up world, I know. Anyways, to achieve that rich and powerful look, buy yourself a tux, a top hat and a monacle. Also grow a mustache.

4. Hate something
Develop some kind of irrational hate for something. It can be minority groups, corporations, religions, certain animals, it doesn't really matter. If you hate something, you will soon find other people who share that passion. Nothing brings people together like a shared hatred.

5. Put out
You want to be popular? Sleep with pretty much anyone. You'll never again have nothing to do on a Saturday night. And if you're good enough at it, you can start to charge and make some money. And if you're really good at it, you may be able to complete step #1.

I'm sure there are other ways to become popular, but I have a short attention span, so 5 is enough for me. Hope this helps, kids!

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