Sunday, September 30, 2007

Bio for DrX

It may be a little long, but I got carried away...

Daniel “Shleppy” Johnson was born in rural upstate New York in the roaring 20s. The son of a bootlegger by the name of Johnny Two-arms, Dan was quick to participate in the family business. By the age of 11, Dan was smuggling trucks full of Canadian whisky across the border during the day and was the life of the party in various speak-easies by night.

This life of infamy and riches continued throughout his teenage years until the start of World War II. It is said that Dan learned of Pearl Harbor when he was awaken from a deep sleep, following a night of drinking with several chorus girls, by his good friend Henry Fonda and told of the catastrophe. Dan immediately volunteered for the Marines where he fought in the Pacific Theater. On October 3rd, 1944 Dan was wounded when a bamboo tree fell on his head. He wasn’t wearing a helmet at the time, and in fact refused to ever wear one saying, “What do I need a helmet for? If someone shoots me in the head I’ll kick them in the (profanity deleted) !”

Upon his return to the United States, Dan was arrested for his previous life of bootlegging. The trial lasted just 3 days, during which Dan acted as his own lawyer and quickly managed to charm the entire court. The prosecuting attorney for the case was quoted as saying, “I dropped all charges. Yes, we may have had a solid case against Mr. Johnson, but he promises to be good, and that’s good enough for me!”

Dan, following the trial, wanted to get away from his old life (and pending paternity suits) and decided to change his last name to (insert last name). To further distance himself from his previous employment, Dan decided to get a degree in Chemistry, knowing that his experience with brewing bathtub gin would aid in his studies. Dan graduated from SUNY Albany with honors and went on to Johns Hopkins for his PhD. Currently Dan holds a post-doc position at UCSD and lives a law-abiding life with his wife Megan and baby daughter Mia. It is said that Dan maintains his ties with organized crime, but despite many FBI investigations no significant evidence has been collected. One thing that everyone can agree on is that Dr. Dan (insert last name) is one bad mother…

Saturday, September 29, 2007

A contest I never entered...

A little over a year ago, a burrito bar in Albany was having a contest for their customers to make a commercial, and the winner would get some prize or something and get their commercial aired as the official Bombers Burrito commercial. Now, I kind of liked Bombers, and went there fairly regularly for Friday happy hours, so I decided I was going to give this a try. I wrote up a couple scripts, but I didn't have a camera, a job, any money, and none of my friends were as enthusiastic about it as I, so it never got done. I have stumbled upon one of the scripts I wrote, and I find it to be brilliant. I will now print it on this blog, and give everyone permission to steal it for use in their commercial. I just want to see it made, I need no royalties or even any acknowledgment, just give me a copy of it.

Ext. Day: There are a crowd of people all surrounding a man in a white robe in a desert. They are all dressed in tattered clothing of biblical times.

Caption: Easter Sunday, 0AD

We zoom in and see the man in the white robes is Jesus, still wearing his crown of thorns and has wounds from his crucifixion.

Man in crowd: Oh, it's a miracle! Why have you come back to us? What great wisdom have you arisen from the dead to tell us?

Jesus looks the man in the eye, places his hand on his shoulder and begins to speak in a deliberate soft voice to the crowd.

Jesus: My children, I haven't come back for you. I came back for one last Bomber's burrito!

Cut to the Bombers logo and the slogan: Bombers burritos: Better than heaven.
Cut back to Jesus with a burrito in his hand.

Jesus: Hey, I eat em.

Jesus takes a bite from his burrito and winks at the camera.

I also have alternate slogans for the commercial:
Bomber's Burritos, crucifixion not necessary for purchase.
Bomber's Burritos, it's better than fish and loaves.
Bomber's Burritos, a taste of salvation.
With a Bomber's burrito in hand, who needs religion?

Thursday, September 27, 2007

I dig Jesus?

I'd like to continue this religion discussion, started by phishbone23, and I figured I'd make a full post of it, rather than leave a huge comment on our other thread.

Out of curiosity, when's the last time all you readers went to church? Funerals and weddings don't count. Fish, you didn't go regularly as a kid, did you? I know DrX and I didn't. Maybe the lack of God in our formative years actually caused us to look for real answers to our questions, leading us to careers in science. Now, going to church as an adult is a rather dull experience. It's been about two years since I went last (I went because of a girl, of course!) and in all that time, I never once felt I was missing out by spending my Sunday mornings sleeping in and getting ready for football.

Ask most any God-fearing person what the world would be like without religion and they would describe a society without morals and discipline. We would all be free to do whatever we want all the time, without worry of punishment in the afterlife. There would be chaos as people try to grasp a life without an ultimate meaning.

I believe that if religion finally died out we'd have a society full of science nerds. People would no longer be able to retreat to the trustworthy "Because God did it" explanation to answer their tough questions, they would actually have to search for the real answers. Inquisitiveness would be encouraged from the youth. There would be no more dead end answer to questions that you don't know the answer to. People could actually admit that they don't know, and then try to find out. People would turn to the physicists, biologists and chemists to answer their questions rather than to their religious leaders. I think this is the biggest misunderstanding that religious folks have of atheists. They accuse us of believing in nothing and being close minded, when all we are doing is looking for the real answers to the world around us. The existence of God is a seemingly unnecessary hypothesis that has no evidence to support it. Give us evidence and we'll believe, we say, but in all the years of humanity, that evidence has never come. The silence speaks volumes.

Now, I know that I most definitely don't speak for all nonbelievers. Let them tell you why they are what they are. Most are much more militant in their atheism than I. After all, I would go back to church in a minute if it got me closer to a beautiful woman, but all the churchin' in the world couldn't make me believe. Talk is cheap, give me some hard evidence if you want to convert me.

Define me

OK, Kevthegreat. I need a bio for our lab's website. I don't want something serious, so please use come up with something interesting (though not entirely vulgar) that I can submit. And I seriously will use whatever you come up with.

Try and capture the essence of how we grew up.

Babies are ugly

I mean, they rarely have any hair, they have little squinty eyes, and they smell. Not only that, but their faces are always all scrunched up and they cry too much. I mean, would a little makeup kill them? Stupid babies, put some effort in, eh? We're all sick of looking at your ugly little faces. Dress it up!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Grand ponderance of the day.....

If God exists, then why not make it known in an unambiguous way? The fact that we have a free choice to believe or not believe, makes me think that He/She/It either does not exist, or does not care. So why should we care? I think religion is for people that have a need to be told what to do all the time. The next time I have an encounter with a police officer, I think I will call him Reverend.

Useless critters

I hate puppies. They are nothing more than overgrown rats, vessels for disease and a cold black heart. I can hardly blame other dogs for trying to eat them. Whenever I get near a puppy I cringe at the incessant yapping and playfulness and have an overwhelming urge to stomp on them. Puppies suck. Stupid puppies...

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Drawing a blank

My life isn't very exciting, you know? I don't really have much to write about right now. If you have any suggestions leave a comment. I have time to blog, but have a bit of the blogger's block.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Family Guy Suck Wars

Did anyone happen to watch the new Family Guy episode last night? It was an hour Star Wars episode. Yes, it was like Star Wars, only filled with pop culture references, mostly from the 80s. I have to say it was absolutely awful. I have a comedy tip for all you out there, just referencing something from pop culture isn't funny. How about throwing some jokes in every once in a while? But, this is what Family Guy has become. It is so lazy that it just fills the show with complete non-sequiturs, but when it actually tries put a whole show together with an actually story and plot, even if it is copying Star Wars, it fails miserably.

I'm pretty sure this show used to be funny, but I think I'd have to go back to the first couple seasons to be sure. It could be that I just got sick of the Family Guy formula... Anyways, here's a great example of what I'm talking about. Over at Joe Mathlete's Great American Blog, he edited an episode from last season to take out all of the sequences that have absolutely nothing to do with the plot of the show. This cut out half of the show, and what's left runs a total of 12 minutes. Let's all boycott the show, the writers have obviously stopped caring and are putting in a minimal effort. Why should we reward laziness?

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Reunion time!

Today I realized that I will actually be in Albany at the time of my ten year high school reunion, meaning I'll be able to go if I'm invited. Now, that is a big if. I wasn't exactly popular in high school, so I may not get the invite, which is a shame. I am now moderately successful and could have a lot of fun rubbing it in. Ah, we'll see. I don't really have anything else to post, in fact it's hard to think of anything other than Reese Witherspoon's mutant chin. It's in my dreams...

Thursday, September 20, 2007

What's up with...

...Reese Witherspoon's chin? I'm watching Pleasantville (good movie! I've seen it half a dozen times) and I realized that lately Reese Witherspoon's chin has grown to ridiculous proportions. I come with photos to prove my point!

Here is Reese at the age of 22 in Pleasantville (1998):

And here she is today:

So what is she storing in that gigantic chin of hers? I think I have found Iraq's WMDs! Somebody alert the president!

Music time!

I don't know why this amuses me so much, but it does. It's the Lawrence Welk band rocking out to a song about heroin and trannies by one of the greatest bands ever! Dubbing is fun!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

I try not to get political...

People, you have to understand, your politicians aren't necessarily intelligent. I don't know how it is in other countries, but in the United States the current state of political discourse requires no intelligence from our politicians other than them memorizing a series of talking points given to them.

Please, don't assume that your representatives know what they are doing. You may not be deeply involved in politics or law, but you have the right to criticize all the politicians you want, and everyone else does, too. Not only is it your right, but it's your duty to criticize your government when you feel that they are doing something wrong, because that is the only way it will be changed.

Before voting for someone at least try to find some interviews that they have done, or, in a pinch, a debate (although debates are ridiculous, too, as I've noted). Just try and get an idea for who you are voting for, because right now guys like this, who spout off fear tactics and bigotry to consolidate power, are reaching influential levels of our government. There are way too many power hungry dumb asses in this world, let's try not to have them represent us.

Chechnya, you annoy me!

I keep getting emails from widows hailing from Chechnya who's high ranking military husbands were killed in a bomb attack. They have funds they want to invest in my country. I've received the same email from two different addresses with two different names: Mrs. Diana Smith (that's a Chechen name, if I've ever heard one!) and Mrs. Susan Saivonic. The funny part is the email that comes from Mrs. Saivonic is from the email address So go ahead and fuck with the scammers if you want to have fun. I don't have the time or effort to put into it. Here's the message if anyone cares:

Dear Beloved,

I am mrs suzzan saivonic a widow.I am very sure that this mail will bring lots of surprises and curiosity to you since there was no previous correspondence between us before now. am a widow of one of the top rulers in Chechnya, My husband died along side with the Chenchna president who was killed in a bomb attack early last year in a parade ground.

I have some funds for investment in your country.Please if you can be of help, get back to my family lawyer based in London for more details:

Name :Barrister Bill Carson
Tel: +44 702 4021849

mrs suzzan saivonic

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Almost an anniversary!

October 14th is the two year anniversary of me getting fired from my first full time job. The reason, I was told, was that I am not a "team player". Now, for the last two years I've thought of comebacks to this, that I didn't think of at the time. See, at the time I used reason and logic to show that this was bullshit, but now I realize I would have felt better if I just used one of these witty comebacks:

1. "I'm not a team player? That's not what your mom said last night when I was triple teaming her with a midget and a donkey! Get it? Your mom's a whore! I'm out!"

2. "Your face isn't a team player! Because you're ugly! And your ugliness scares people! I'm out!"

3. "I may not be a team player, but at least I slept with your wife! She was ok... I'm out!"

See, when getting fired and using a snappy comeback, you have to end it with "I'm out!" and then walk out the door, never to be seen again. That's how it works folks. Anyone got any other snappy comebacks that readers can use if they find themselves in a similar situation?

Monday, September 17, 2007

God heals Kitna

Here's a great story from the NFL. Detroit Lions quarterback John Kitna was sacked in the second quarter of their game against the Vikings yesterday and received a concussion. He was expected to be out the rest of the game, but came back for most of the fourth quarter and overtime to help win the game. Kitna's explanation:

I've never felt anything like that, and for it to clear up and go right back to as normal as I can be, is nothing short of a miracle," Kitna said Monday. "I just definitely feel the hand of God. That's all it was. You can't explain it.

That's right, there is no explaining it, other than a miracle. There is no way someone can feel better more than an hour after receiving a minor concussion. It's impossible!

Look, if God were a fan of the NFL, it's obvious he hates the Lions. They've made the playoffs like once in the past forty years. They're horrible and have been forever. Jesus hates the Lions, mark it down. He told me. That's right, Jesus appeared in the form of a pastrami sandwich and told me he hates the Detroit Lions and that he purposely gave Kitna the concussion in the first place, and he was sorry he didn't make it worse to keep him out of the rest of the game. Then I ate the Jesus/sandwich and He was delicious. He could have used more mustard, though...

Sunday, September 16, 2007

A positive post?

I figure since I've been watching a lot of movies lately (I have no social life down here, but I'm kind of digging it) I might as well recommend the good ones, rather than just bitching about Pirates of the Caribbean. So, this weekend I watched two movies: The Big Sleep and The Killing Fields.

The Killing Fields was an ok movie, that is definitely watchable. It's based on a true story about an American reporter and his interpreter/guide in Cambodia during the Vietnam war. I found it a bit disjointed and muddled at times, and to tell you the truth, Sam Waterson's beard really annoyed the shit out of me throughout the whole film. Trim that thing, damn it! And why is it so damn dark? That can't be natural! It's like his beard hair is so dense and disheveled that no light is able to escape. It's a watchable movie, though, especially for Haing S. Ngor's Oscar winning performance.

The Big Sleep was a absolutely wonderful movie. It stars Bogart as a private eye (of course) who gets mixed up in a blackmail scheme and a hard-boiled dame (Lauren Bacall). The film actually has quite a bit of humor that is surprisingly dark, and some of the greatest dialog ever, in my opinion. It is really a great movie that you should watch. Follow it up with The Maltese Falcon and then watch Brick and you will appreciate that film immensely. I can't help but smile thinking about it. Great movies just make me so damn happy sometimes.

Anyways, with all my bitching, I felt I needed a fairly positive post like this. Hope you enjoy it, because there will be much more for me to rant about in the future. Hope y'all had a great weekend!

Football is dumb...

Why do I bother watching when my team is absolutely awful? But still I watch, and I yell and I throw things and I threaten my tv with physical harm. Maybe they will be so bad this season that I'll stop caring and watch with nothing but apathetic acceptance. We will see. At least there's still baseball. Go Yankees!

Saturday, September 15, 2007

More complaints

It seems like this blog has turned into nothing but me bitching about everything. I have no problem with this, and to continue my streak of bitching posts I bring you this: I just watched the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie, and wow was it awful.

Now, it's not like I thought the first was all that good, but at least it was watchable. I wish the studios would just give up on these lame sequels, but I guess that has always been a problem. Rather than funding any original, creative movies, they would rather give money to Deuce Bigalow II, since they at least have an idea of the audience and what the ticket sales will be. Whether a film is good or not doesn't matter at all, just that there is an audience for it. And that's why Dane Cook is still in movies. As unoriginal a comic, and as awful of an actor he is, he has a known audience that will go see any shit that is churned out as long as he is in it.

But I guess the studios know what they are doing. After all, the lowest grossing film in which Adam Sandler starred was Punch Drunk Love, which was by far the most critically acclaimed film he has been in (and one of my personal favorites). Meanwhile Little Nicky, one of the biggest pieces of shit ever recorded to film, grossed well over twice as much. So, film is a business, and it rewards shit, so that is what is put out as the product. Alright, I guess my bitch session is done for today. Everyone have a good weekend.

Once again...

Sorry for the lack of posts this week. Work has been a complete bitch. I've had to work crazy hours to put out some material for a conference in Vegas that I don't even get to go to. Damn it! It's just not fair. I want to go to Vegas, dammit!

Thursday, September 13, 2007

I've had to remind myself...

That today is Thursday and not Friday. Stupid Thursday! Why can't you be more like Firday? You are a failure of a day! I am very disappointed in you, Thursday.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

One more thing...

Why do people still put Dane Cook in movies? How many shit bombs can one no talent hack make before he's finally left alone to die a meaningless lonely death, knowing that he has contributed to society in no positive way?

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

By the way...

While I'm making fun of current pop stars, Avril Lavigne is not punk. Avril Lavigne has never been punk. Avril Lavigne has nothing to do with punk. If I hear one more person describe her music as punk I will punch them in the head. Blink 182 is not punk. Sum 41 is not punk. The fact that they are described as punk only proves that punk is dead and has been dead for so long that the media has no idea what it even is.
I tell you what though, the next time someone plays in a Texan bar full of people that hate them, gets their nose busted on stage and starts spitting blood on and taunting the audience, while continuing the song because you're so strung out on heroin that you can't feel anything and eventually try to kill someone with your bass, I may reconsider...

Monday, September 10, 2007

Bite the bullet....

Well, you wanted to know what it was, so here ya go! See if you can find the hidden Texan slang...'


Why do I have to live in North Carolina? It's fucking September! It should not be over 100 degrees! Argh...

Joining the 21st century

I'm thinking of buying a mp3 player. Anyone have any suggestions? I don't need it to have video capabilities, just an mp3 player with a lot of space (at least a couple gigs). Sell it to me!

Anti-smoking Commercials

There seem to be a goal of anti-smoking TV commercials to scare you out of smoking by showing disgusting images. This is all well and good, I suppose, but when you see the same commercial of a guy smoking through a hold in his neck about 500 times in one day, you kind of become desensitized to it. Now when I see this commercial I find myself thinking, "Eh, I don't think it'd be all that bad to live with a hole in my neck. I mean, it's a great conversation starter. Plus, if for whatever reason, you lose the ability to speak you can get one of those voice synthisizer things that you hold up against your throat and then you can sound like a robot. How cool is that? I want to sound like a robot! Maybe I'll take up smoking!"
Then I realize that I am considering taking up smoking in hopes that I get cancer and need a hole in my neck and a voice synthesizer thing to speak, just to show people that it's pretty cool to have to talk like a robot. That's usually when I change the channel...

Sunday, September 9, 2007

It's here!

Football season has started! My Sundays are once again meaningful. I have a 12 pack chilling in the fridge, a bag of chips in the cupboard and all day to sit on my ass and watch the games. I'm happy... Go Giants!

Friday, September 7, 2007

Commercial time

Ok, I don't mean to waste your time posting commercials on here, but there are some rather funny ones for a Raleigh car dealership with a badger in it. I figure none of you have seen these commercials since you don't live in Raleigh, so I wanted to share. Again, I hate commercials and all, but the badger really amuses me, and I'm here to share with y'all! Anyways, this one is my favorite commercial of the series:

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Why is there a chubby girl singing on my tv?

I don't know why I'm watching it because it's shit, but I am watching the pregame show to the first football game of the season (for you Europeans, I am referring to American football). Anyways, they start the show off with Kelly Clarkson singing some song she sings, and I have to say, she's pretty chubby. Now, I have nothing against chubby or ugly people being musicians, but what's the point in pop music? None of these people write their own songs or music, they just sing them. Sure Kelly Clarkson has a good singing voice, but you can't tell me the people who write her music for her can't find someone hotter who they can teach to sing. Now, if Kelly actually writes her own music, I do apologize, and I say carry on, chubs! But I really doubt she does, and I'm too lazy to look it up. Anyways, I just find it odd that people would write songs for her when they could do the same for hot people who will draw more of an audience. If you have no creativity to write your own music and the only thing you can do is sing, then you better be hot, otherwise get out of music. That's all I'm saying. So, my message to Kelly Clarkson: either write your own damn songs, or get off the stage! Is that too harsh?

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Fine, I'll post

I'm thinking about getting some video editing software, but I don't really have any of my own video to edit, so I'm trying to think of fun stuff to do with it just to get comfortable with it. I'm thinking it might be fun to do extremely lame tributes to pop culture icons, or over dramatized documentary type narration of really insignificant, pointless events. I need to produce something that is a complete waste of my time and the time of anyone who watches it. That's my goal. Any good ideas?

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

I'm back!

And busy as fuck at work. I'll try to post something exciting later today, but I may just pass out when I get home. Those damn 6AM flights suck.