All of these religious people, including our president, claim that they speak to God. So, I decided to give God a call and chat him up. Here is the conversation we had:
Kevin: Hey God, how are you?
God: What the hell do you want?
Kevin: I just have a question for you, sir. Why do you let evil happen in the world?
God: Because I hate you.
Kevin: You hate mankind?
God: No, I hate you personally.
Kevin: You let awful things happen because you hate me personally?
God: Yup, that about sums it up.
Kevin: So, infanticide, genocide, homicide, pesticide, all the 'cides in the world are because of me?
God: Are you fucking deaf? That's what I said.
Kevin: So, the universe really is centered around me...
God: No, it's centered around my hatred of you.
Kevin: Same thing. So, tell me something, if you hate me so much, why do you let me continue to be?
God: Yeah, I've been meaning to smite you, but you kind of make me laugh at times. I think I'm getting sick of you though, since you haven't come up with any clever one-liners lately. Maybe it is time to get rid of you.
Kevin: I tried to start a suicide club once, but interest died out.
God: LOL! That's comedy gold right there! That's why I love ya kid! But I still hate you enough to let an earthquake destroy an orphanage in Thailand next week.
Kevin: Eh, what can ya do?
God: Damn right. Later, chump!
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