Post about work

I realize I don't post much about what goes on during my work day, but that's only because nothing exciting ever really happens. At least, nothing exciting that doesn't contain proprietary information. And today was no exception, but I'll tell a story anyways.

I was coming back in the building from lunch, and when I walked by our secretary's office she asked if I could take a look at her computer speakers which weren't working. So, I take a look at them and the power light isn't on, so I check the plug, which is difficult to get to, so I'm crawling around on the floor, moving stuff around. I unplug the speakers and plug them into a different outlet I knew worked, but still no power. So, something is f'd up, right? Yeah, it was a set of speakers that you can turn off by turning the volume all the way down. So, after fiddling with the damn speakers, I realize this and turn the friggin things on, and hey, they work. Now, is the secretary that clueless and didn't realize the volume was all the way down? I think she just turned them off when she saw me come in the building and used the excuse of the speaker trouble to see me crawl around on the floor. That's because I'm a sexy bastard. To sum up this post, the secretary at work is completely infatuated with me. That's what I get out of this.

The MacBook Air

Everyone see the new MacBook Air? It is under an inch thin. If I were to buy that thing, I would end up breaking it in under a week. Seriously. That's the problem with technology. As we get more advanced, things get smaller and easier for me to break. I can't buy nice things. I'm a spaz. That's all I have for tonight.

The determination of Easter

For a while I have been wondering how the hell the date of Easter is determined. Sometimes it is in March, other times it is in April. I've recently been told that the answer to this question, and now I will share it with all my loyal readers (both of you). Deep in the depths of the Vatican cellars is a dark room sealed with a huge rock. Every year, starting in March, the Pope sends a special bishop down to sit outside that room and wait, day and night, watching. One day, always in March or April, the giant rock magically moves from the opening of the small room and out walks the zombie corpse of Jesus. Now, there are two things that can happen: If zombie Jesus sees his shadow he gets scared, retreats to his room and there will be two more weeks of winter. If he doesn't see his shadow he will feed on the brains of the bishop and summer will come early! And that day is Easter.

He's signing autographs?

For some awful reason that I don't know myself, I watched the State of the Union address. I don't get it. After every fucking sentence people stand up and applaud. Everyone has to try to be center of attention, deciding what they are going to stand up and applaud to. You need any evidence that the presidency is nothing but a popularity contest? The fucking president of the United States of America signed fucking autographs for fifteen minutes after his speech. Autographs! Our president thinks he's fucking Mikey Mantle...

Now, I've never made it all the way through a State of the Union before, so it's possible that Clinton, Old Bush, Reagan, ect.. all did the same autograph signing thing, but it's still tacky as hell. You're the fucking president, you just the speech summing up what you want to do in your final year in office, and you're going to finish it up by signing autographs? He's a fucking public servant. You don't get the autograph of your mailman, do you?

This is the problem with today's politics, the only people who get into it anymore are just seeking out fame and fortune, and it's definitely there for the taking. Fuck doing anything for your country. Just get in and grab what you can before you get kicked out or arrested.

Pretty good movie

This weekend I watched a pretty good movie that I would recommend. It was called Smithereens, and made in the early 80s just before music got really lame. Anyways, I pretty much just rented it because Richard Hell was in it, but it was actually a really good movie. Go ahead and rent it sometime. Until you do watch it, I will feed your Richard Hell hunger right here (I know you gots it!):

Great Software

To all of you budding writers out there, let me point you to the best free script writing software I've ever used: celtx. It's pretty nice. It has a ton of options in it, whether you're writing a film, stage play or audio play. Man, I hate writing these posts, because they sound like shitty commercials. But it's free to download and use, so fuck it. Give it a look.

Amazing Fortune Cookie

I went to the Chinese buffet this afternoon for lunch and, after gorging myself, I opened my fortune cookie and was shocked at the accuracy of my fortune. Now, I've never been one to believe in the supernatural. I am, after all, a man of science. However, this fortune I received today may change my mind since it is so accurate and insightful:

Praise the cookie! It has summed up my life perfectly.

(sorry for the poor quality of the picture, all I have on me is my cell phone camera)

Motivation: Gone.

Yeah, I'm not gonna write a play. That was a brief lasting urge bought on by watching a Murnau film that was based on a play. The desire has passed. I do need something to pass the time, though. Maybe I'll take up a life of crime. I just watched The Public Enemy, and Cagney made gangster life seem glamorous, so maybe I should give it a try, see? Meh, see? You coppers ain't gonna take me alive! Man, all my best ideas seem to come from the last movie I've watched.

Damn it!

I just got a letter in the mail today letting me know that my car insurance has been canceled for the better part of the month. Yeah, thanks for the prompt notification, bastards. Anyways, I have to get some North Carolina insurance anyways, so it's no biggie, I just have to get it taken care of right now. Anyone have any companies to suggest? After a brief amount of looking around it seems like Geico is the cheapest for me, but I'm hesitant of dealing with a company that has inflicted upon the world this:

My Play Idea

As I said in my previous post, I have suddenly decided to write a play. What is this play about? Well, just off the top of my head I'll come up with an idea:

There's this prince, right? Let's say he's from some European country like, I don't know, Denmark. Anyways, his father dies one night and his uncle marries his mother and becomes the next king. Crazy, eh? Anyways, the ghost of the dead king then comes and visits the prince and tells him that the uncle killed him and that his death must be avenged! How fucking cool is that? I'm brilliant! Anyways, the prince then decides to travel to America to find a bride. Looking at a map he decides to go to, of course, Queens in New York, where he gets a job at a fast food restaurant in order to get closer to a girl he wants to marry. Ummmm, then there's some more ghosts, and the prince gets the Statue of Liberty to come alive using some goo and 80s music and marches around the streets of New York looking for Godzilla, with whom there is a dramatic final showdown fight to the death. The End.

note: There is also a monkey.

Long time no blog

I'm an awful blogger lately. I got out of the blogging habit over Christmas vacation and just haven't got back into it. It doesn't help that I've been pretty busy lately at work and had a visitor this past weekend. Just no time to think of stuff to write about. I still haven't posted the results of phishbone's eating challenge yet either, but he's being a pain in the ass and not letting me post pictures unless I put that damn smiley face over his real face. Be proud of your eating prowess, dude! No need to hide. Anyways, I'll try to blog more starting now. One more thing, I am thinking about writing a play. Anyone have any idea of how to get a play performed? That would be fun, I think. I imagine I'd have to find a playhouse or something that's small enough to bribe. Maybe I should write it first, though. I'll get on that. I feel like being productive lately.

Super Bowl Bound!

Nobody gave us* a chance at the beginning of the season, but we made it all the way to the Super Bowl. Now, nobody will give us a chance in the Super Bowl. They'll never learn. Let's go Giants!!!!



*Being a lifelong fan of the New York Giants, I feel like I can refer to the team in first person. I am the Giants, and they are me! Don't criticize me, I'm happy! Exclamation points!!!!!!

This is a world record?

I was browsing through the Guinness World Records website, for reasons of boredom, when I came across this record:

Most Ferrero Rocher chocolates eaten in one minute
Reuben Williams (UK) unwrapped and ate five Ferrero Rocher chocolates in one minute at De Hems in Soho, London, UK, on 30 November 2007.

How the hell is that a record? Five in one minute? Are you serious? I am now obviously going to have to try this, to see why it is so difficult. Anyone have any clue why eating five in one minute is difficult? These things are tiny and not that difficult to unwrap:

Eating Challenge #3: Where I Come to Terms With My Mortality

Today I will tell you all the tale of my eating challenge. I decided to tackle the Taco Bell challenge, which was originally 15 tacos in one hour. Seeing as how I was the one who organized and convinced others to participate in these challenges, I decided it would only be fair to up the ante and push myself to the limits of face stuffing. I vowed earlier that, rather than 15 tacos, I would eat 20 in that hour. I was confident coming in and prepared the day prior. Going into the challenge I had not eaten in almost 20 hours and drank copious amounts of water to stretch my stomach. I was as ready as I ever was going to be. I wasn't sure if it would be easier to eat hard or soft tacos, so I ordered 10 of each. I also decided to go without lettuce on my tacos, seeing as how it would just make things messy and trying to eat every bit of lettuce that falls off would be a pointless time consumption. I was confident going into this challenge and with food in hand, I felt I could do this.

I decided I would start with the soft tacos, since I figured they were chewy and thus more difficult to eat when I was really full. I was determined to keep a steady pace and not fall into the trap of burning out early. I made it through the soft tacos with relative ease in about 20 minutes and then moved onto the hard tacos. In the next 15-20 minutes I made it to 15 tacos, the original challenge goal. At this point I was happy that I did up the amount since 15 was actually not very difficult, but I knew these remaining 5 tacos were not going to go down easily.


I pushed on. By now the tacos were getting cold and soggy. The cheese was hardened and were the most distinguishing taste. At around taco #17 the room began to spin a little and the colors in the room around me seemed unusually vibrant and hurt my head. Needless to say, I was not feeling pleasant.

I finished taco 17 and 18. There were just two left. My headache was getting worse and worse and I started getting pain in my sides. I got up and walked around the room for a bit and drank some water. I also showed off my hairy swelled stomach:

After a couple minutes I sat back down at the table and picked up the next taco. With every bite came a wave of nausea. I knew I had room left in my stomach, if I could just get it down. Bite after bite I continued on. By this time I needed to take a drink of water with every mouth full of taco just to swallow it. It felt like I had the flu. I was sweating, dizzy and nauseous. I honestly felt like I was close to passing out and it freaked me out a bit. After 18 and 3/4 tacos I could have no more. I went to the bathroom and did what had to be done.


I was close to glory but fell short by just a taco and a sliver:


This is most definitely a formidable challenge and if anyone is able to succeed at it, they have my respect. I take pride in my effort. I didn't give in and pushed myself to my absolute limit. I said coming in, I'm either going to complete the challenge or puke, I will not quit before one of those two happen, and I made myself proud.

Eating Challenge #4: McGluttany

The remaining four eating challenges were all done at the same time. For this entry I will focus on the second attempt of Josh (a.k.a. Powder) at eating glory. You may recall, Josh was the person to start the eating challenges by attempting to eat a dozen Boston Cream donuts in an hour, and fell one and a half short. This time Josh decided on the McDonald's cheeseburger challenge: a dozen burgers in an hour.


The determination on Josh's face was obvious from the start. He would not be embarrassed a second time. He started of on a steady pace and by the halfway point he had close to ten already down.


But, alas, it's always the final 10% that is by far the hardest. He got number 11 down with great effort and had that last one remaining. The others participating in the room seemed to spur Josh on, however. Seeing pain in the eyes of others always seems to dull your own. Bite after bite, the final burger evanesced until, finally, it was gone. Now there was just the 15 minutes to keep it down.


The pain was there, but the willpower was greater. Success was had. Victory was his. Josh has bested the cheeseburger challenge.

Where are the challenges?

Making us wait for the challenge results is so NOT Bangladesh.

Challenge #5: Attack of the Mac

I will start with the last eating challenge attempted. Last Sunday I made my way down to Po-town to witness my college buddy Mikey try to eat 4 boxes of Kraft Mac & Cheese. When I first heard this attempt I thought it would be easy. I really had no idea how much 4 boxes of Mac & Cheese truly was. I must say, when I first saw the bowl filled with mac, I knew this challenge would be more than formidable:

Mikey was game and started out at a furious pace, but it may have been a mistake to put all four boxes in one bowl. A half hour in and Mikey was sweating, and the bowl looked hardly touched. This challenge looked doomed from the start, a case of over enthusiasm, but Mikey would not be denied his glory. He would rally at the 45 minute mark and plow back into the heap of orangey goodness. But, alas, this was a challenge not meant to be conquered by mere mortals. For the next 15 to 20 minutes the great porcelain god would have company:

A valiant attempt, but still a failure. The remaining mac totaled likely less than a box:

This is a challenge that proved much more difficult than anyone imagined. It is one that will need to be attempted again. Who will be the one to aim for the stars? Who will avenge poor Mikey and conquer the evil fake cheese adversary? Only time will tell...

A quick update

Just got back to Raleigh and came straight to work, so this is a quick update of my vacation. Everything was good, got to meet up with lots of friends, did some drinking, saw some snow and ate lots of food. This brings me to the eating challenges. 5 challenges were attempted and less than half were successful. In the coming days I will devote a post to each one. I'm just waiting to get the photos from the events. A recap of the challenges that were attempted and the participants:

1. 12 McDonalds Cheesburgers - Josh
2. 3 Pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream - Fish
3. 3 Footlong Meatball Subs from Subway - Sarah
4. 20 Taco Bell Tacos - Kev
5. 4 Boxes of Kraft Mac & Cheese - Mikey