Microsoft actually makes a funny video?

I think so. Judge for yourself:

Zombies

I watched the movie Diary of the Dead last night. Now, I wasn't expecting too much from this film, so it was enjoyable, when it wasn't annoying. It's still Romero, after all. Anyways, it takes place during the initial outbreaks of the dead starting to rise and has a bunch of college kids trying to get home and survive. This got me thinking, where would be the best place to go if the dead were coming to life and eating everyone? You'd probably want to go somewhere without many people to avoid the huge mobs of dead people. But, you'd still need access to food and supplies, so you wouldn't want to be too far away from civilization.

So, here's my question to y'all: If the dead start to rise and feast on the living, where are you going to go?

Vacation is near

In a short 4 days I will be heading to Albany for my birthday celebration. The question is, what should I do for my birthday? All I know is that I am going to buy a squirrel costume and pretend I am in town for a Furry Convention. I figure this will get me plenty of free drinks, since people love creepy guys in animal costumes! My plan is flawless. I'm going to also buy a giant inflatable acorn, and a giant plastic toothbrush to complete the costume. I will dance the whole day and play lovely sonnets on a ukulele while being showered with praise and flowers by all of Albany's peasants. I am a man of the people!

The Man

Yes, Neil deGrasse Tyson has earned the title of "The Man" from me.

Contest over

Alright, two rounds is more than long enough to drag this thing out. It's now up to the three founding members of this blog to decide on a winner. DrX and phishbone, do either of you think any of the posters in this contest are worth keeping? I'm just letting you know, I'm keeping Mummy Hitler. He won't post much, but he's got a good shtick. You guys want to keep any of the others?

Hi

Hi,

I am Mikey. It's 11:50 p.m. on Thursday June 26th and I have 9 minutes to make my post. I've worked the last 2 days, and tonight I played kickball. We lost 15-0 to the best team in the league in the playoffs. I have to make a post tonight in order to stay in this contest. It has come down to me, Kev (whoops, I mean mummy hitler), and Kris. I am drunk and don't feel creative. However, I am a fun time. I am not going to post a great story, but rather I am going to rely on my previous posts, and my future amazing posts to get your vote. I ask you:

Do you really want Me, Kris or Kev (uhhh I mean Mummy Hitler)) to be your new blogger??? I am hoping your mind speaks true, and you vote Mikey. Otherwise you can continue to read about exciting bike stories.

P.S. I made out with a smoking hot 20 year old tonight. To hear more, vote Mikey O-O-OOOO

Mummy Hitler's Movie Reveiw

Hello boys and girls! It's me, Mummy Hitler, back with more fun and infotainment. For the second round of this blogging contest, I have decided to watch a moving picture and give you all my review. I have participated in a few films in my past, and figure this insiders look would help you all decide how to spend your free time. God knows, watching movies leads to many less troubles than invading Poland... So here it goes!

Now, I went to a local movie rental place to choose a film reel to rent. Boy, was I shocked to find out that the talkies are now on what are called DVDs! Imagine, a movie on a small round record type thing! And they are in color! Look, I'm old! I have been dead for over 60 years, so I don't know these things! This shtick will never not be funny! Anyways, after browsing around the store for a while, I decided on the film: Ballistic: Ecks vs. Server. I chose this movie because I am, in fact, very interested in ballistics and thought I would see what the 21st century held in this field. Seeing as how I had no way to watch the film that is stored on this DVD, I had to go over to Mummy Lincoln's cabin. He's all into this, what he calls, "tech revolution". Ah, he's a dick, but I need him for his toys. Anyways, I watched this film, and I must say, I now see just how wrong I was to send the Jews and social miscreants to concentration camps. I see now that the real evil in this world is the completely asinine fuckwads that make films like this. Those are the people I should have focused on killing! Fuck, if only I killed the parents of the makers of this movie before they could procreate, I would have left the world a better place.

That's my review! I hope you all enjoyed it! And remember, everything was better in the 1930s! Everything! Even the exclamation points!

Texas Rant

Since moving to Houston, Texas almost two years ago I have gone through many emotions concerning this fucking city. At first there was absolute hatred for the trash, poor air quality, over crowding, lack of zoning, encouraging of illegal immigrants, heat, humidity, worst drivers ever, cockroaches the size of school buses and various other things I can't think of at this moment. Then winter came and when everyone else I knew was suffering through cold, dreary weather it was 65 degrees F and sunny down here. Then I made friends and joined a cycling club and things looked slightly less horrid. Now that it is summer again (and I just got my first $400 electricity bill) Houston is again on my shit list. To add to the typical summer woes of Houston, I have an new complaint. The police in this town are the worst cops I have EVER seen.

Three weeks ago I was in my car stopped at a stop light when someone rear ended me. We pulled off to the side of the road and, not knowing the current price of car repairs, I called the police so someone could come out and we could file an accident report. On the phone I was then informed that the police in Houston don't come out to accident scenes if both cars are drivable, regardless of what the damage amount might be. They said that both parties HAD to come in to the police station and file a report within 24 hours if the damage was over $1000. (In every other state I have lived in you have to file a police report if the damage is over $500). I asked the police officer on the phone if both parties had to come in together and he said no. Then I asked what happened if only one party filed a police report and the other didn't. He said he didn't know.

So, being a good, responsible person I collected the other driver's information (including what looked like a valid insurance policy) and went directly to the police station to file a report. When I walked in the door I told the officer at the desk that I needed to file an accident report and he handed me a blue form, told me to fill it out within 10 days, and send it to the state police headquarters in Austin. That was it.

Immediately, when I got home, I called the driver's insurance company to file a claim. I set up an estimate for that afternoon so that I could get the ball rolling. Later that afternoon I had an estimate done on my car and the estimate was under $500 so I was unable to file an accident report. I say unable because the blue form clearly states that you are to ONLY file an accident report if the damage is over $1000.

It has now been three weeks since the accident and I have not been able to have my car fixed. The reason why I have not been able to have my car fixed is that 1) The insurance company claims they have been unable to contact the driver and 2) The insurance company said that the driver may have been uninsured at the time of the accident. I asked the insurance company how she could have been uninsured. What they said is that she hadn't paid her premiums yet. So despite having an insurance card saying her policy was valid through Sept. 2008, it turns out that she didn't have insurance, which is illegal.

I decided to call the police and let them know that I had been in an accident with an apparently uninsured driver. I told them I had all of her information and asked if I needed to report the accident. In talking with the police I was informed that it was common practice to get an insurance card, then not pay the premiums, and that as long as the driver had an insurance card that stated they had insurance it didn't really matter if it was valid or not.

This is such utter and complete bullshit. I now know why my insurance premiums are over twice what they were in Kansas for less than 1/3 the coverage. It is because the police don't seem to actually care about enforcing traffic laws, or for that matter immigration laws because the majority of the uninsured drivers are illegal.

I FUCKING HATE THIS CITY!!!

PS The Tour de France starts July 5th with the first stage leaving from Brest!!!

For the Avid Siena Enthusiast

His plan really worked out.....http://msn.foxsports.com/cbk/story/8274054/2-ex-Duquesne-athletes-sue-university

Update

As voting continues, we have a close race. Mummy Hitler currently has the lead over Kris and Mikey, and BG brings up the rear with zero votes. Evidentally, even BG hasn't voted for himself. I'm going to take down the poll today instead of Thursday because I'm very impatient, and hate following rules, even when I set them myself. As it looks now, BG is going to be booted after the first round. Round 2 will begin Thursday morning. Seeing as the point of this contest is to find someone to cover for me when I can't post, I am going to make round 2 a speed round! You have until 11:59PM on Thursday to make a post about anything you want.

A science oath?

Sorry to diverge from the current Bacontroversy, but I saw this blog post about a scientific version of the Hippocratic oath, which students at the University of Toronto are compelled to take, and since a few BFBers are scientists, wondered what we think. Does science need an oath? Is scientific misconduct a really big problem, and will taking an oath help reduce or eliminate it?

And more important, does our blog need an oath?

Finally we can vote

All 4 contestants have now made a post, so it's time to vote! On the right side of the front page is a poll where you can vote for your favorite poster. The poll will remain open until Thursday night, so that we can fit in the next round over the weekend. Good luck to all!

Don't bring a bike to a car fight

In North Carolina this year a group of cyclists was passed by a vehicle. This vehicle proceeded to pull into the cyclists path and stop. When the driver got out he started waiving a gun and stating that he would kill them all, bury them on the side of the road and they would never be missed. Kev, I mean the driver, got back into his vehicle and drove off without actually following up on his statements.
I don't know if it is an increase in sensitivity to the topic, or an increase in the number of incidents, but this year I have heard about more cyclists getting hit or harrassed by cars. In California this year a sheriff's deputy pulled into three cyclists riding on a should on the other side of the road. Two of the three were killed. In the past two weeks I have heard of three different incidents involving cyclists getting hit by cars who failed to follow basic traffic laws in regard to the interaction of cars and bicycles. With the increase in gas prices more and more people are riding bikes instead of driving cars. I think this is great, but there needs to be an increase in awareness that not only do cyclists have legal right to be on the road (some drivers are not aware of this), but that drivers need to be on the lookout for cyclists.
I know first hand the dangers of drivers not being alert to the presense of cyclists. In February of this year, my mom and I were riding on a road in Texas. We were obeying all the laws of the roads and were preparing to make a left hand turn. After to checking to see that the left lane was clear and signaling, we changed lanes. By the time my mom changed lanes, a driver who was driving too fast came around a corner and hit my mom. He said that she had pulled in front of her, but I know that she had been in the lane before he reached the point she was at. I think the true issue was that he was not looking for a cyclist on the road and didn't expect her to be there. My mom is now okay, but it is terrifying to see your mother life flighted to a hospital due to head trama.
As drivers out on the roads we need to be aware that cyclists are out there and when they tangle with cars, no matter who is at fault, the cyclist usually ends up seriously injured. So please watch out for cyclists while you are driving because they have equal rights to the road.
At least in Texas we have concealed carry so I just pull my Walther PPK out when I feel like a car is encroaching on my personal space.

Seeing how the porn route did not win I have found the only way to completely dominate this contest.

Fish, I hope you get as good a chuckle out of this.

An afternoon with Mikey

Mikey's back, back again. Mikey's who's back, tell a friend.

Yes thank you, thank you. I know you've all missed my sometimes zany sometimes blog provoking posts. I've missed you all as well. Now that Latroy Hawkins has started sucking less, my powers have been restored. Onto my post...

...Everyone once in a while when I have nothing to do on a Saturday afternoon and pull out my 1 ft tobacco pipe, pack it full with some of that stickky ikkky tobacco and let it rip. Then I find some reason why I have to walk into town. I mean, who wants to sit inside when its so beautiful out??? So today I had to run (walk) to the bank and CVS, So on I went...

...After walking about a mile I arrived at the bank with my mission. Deposit 4 checks into someone else's account. Surprising the mission went extremely successful. But then a snag. I reach into my wallet and ask her for 20 singles for a $20.

Now have a magic dragon moment with me here and completely change subject. This poor little 18 year old teller thinks some creepy older guy is getting 20 singles to go to the strip club. But in actuality I am going to Lebanon Valley tonight and they only take singles for food and drinks.

So after the weird look she gives me my change and as I turn around their is my aunt! And I hate my aunt! So I just walked right by her and left. That's when I remembered I don't live in Albany anymore. I live near my family. Gotta be more careful. I ran into my grandparents at A&P one afternoon. Not in the best mental frame, but they are 86 and don't notice anyway. I love my grandparents, they rock!

Next I went to CVS to get Nicorette since I am quitting smoking (7 days and going strong) and the girl goes to grab it and she's on crutches. The package falls on the floor and she has to balance her 1 cruth and try to pick it up without falling over. I felt so horrible. But finally I am home and safe.

Next week I am going to a high school graduation party for 2 of my friends sisters followed by a night out in Poughkeepsie for real women's roller derby. Vote for Mikey to read more adventures next week.

BG

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I will be the first

I will be the first poster in this sad little contest. I am first, as I deserve to be. Now, where do I start? As you have likely deduced from my name, I am in fact the mummified remains of The Fuhrer. You see, when the damned Russians were closing in on me at the end of the war I took a secret tunnel out of the city and escaped to Egypt. Unfortunately during the trip I was mortally wounded in a horrible tea party accident. By the time I got to the infernal deserts of the Middle East, I was near death. My doctor only gave me days to live, but a strange indigenous man came to me with the offer of immortality. He would make me a mummy and I would be sealed in a tomb, only to rise again and rejoin the living for eternity! So, here I am. It's been about 60 years since I last walked the Earth and I find things to be very strange.

If you allow me to, I would like to share the everyday experiences of a former great dictator as he tries to acclimate himself into a society from which he has been absent for more than a half century. Now, I know you all may be wary to let someone who is responsible for the extermination of millions of innocent men women and children post on your precious blog, but don't we all have some skeletons in our closet? None of us are perfect. I am trying to better myself. I am seeing a psychiatrist regularly and am working through some of my issues. His name is Dr. Feingold. That's right, he's a Jew, and I haven't even tried to have him killed yet! I am growing! Sure, I still am struck by the occasional murderous rage, but I'm a mummy! It's normal! Also, I am filled with hate for everything around me but I'm Hitler! You can't expect me to change overnight, can you? Besides, there is so much to hate in this world, all I ask is for you to let me share it with you. Well, I will stop taking up your time. Just please vote for me so that I may continue to post in the future. And if you don't, I will find you and I will crush you in my heavily bandaged hands! I will spill your blood upon your just cleaned carpet and shit on your bed! You are all dirty, filthy vermin which I will exterminate if you cross me! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

I kid! I kid! Really, I'm over that kind of irrational hatred.

Just don't push me...

Best Cities

Ok, this IS NOT my post for the contest, but something I saw today that looked interesting. Check out the two best cities for work and play:

http://finance.yahoo.com/real-estate/article/105190/Best-Cities-to-Live,-Work-and-Play

I'm still waiting for Poughkeepsie to join the list as well

Happy Birthday!!!!

I just wanted to wish a frequent reader/commenter a Happy Birthday today. Her name is Kris and she likes to drink so-da. Other notables born on this day: Quentin Jammer, Dirk Nowitzki, Zoe Saldana ("Drumline" hottie), Doug Mientkiewicz, Poppy Montgomery, Mia Sara ("Ferris Bueller's..."), Kathleen Turner, Phylicia Rashad, Andre the Giant, Gena Rowlands, Lou Gherig, and I should have guessed....Paula Abdul! Oh, and happy anniversary to Tony Dungy and George Siefert.

Video software

Obviously, I'm too important to be a part of your little contest, but I still have a post to make.

Did you ever get anywhere in looking at video editing software? My department is forcing all the faculty to record and post on the University website videos talking about our research and teaching. They are filmed by the department IT guy, and they are universally awful. Just horrific. People reading off cue cards without looking at the camera. Or else babbling on for several minutes about shit nobody else in the world cares about. Ugh. So, I've decided to film and edit my own and give it to them.
But I need editing software. Just something simple to help me cut up WMVs or AVIs, and maybe layer on some text and an audio track. Any good suggestions? Free is great, but I'm not above piracy to try out an expensive package.

Let's get this bitch rolling!

The rules are: there are no rules. Well, almost no rules. Everyone who is involved in this contest just make one post between now and Monday. On Monday a poll will be put up on the front page of the blog and the poster to get the least number of votes will be booted. This will repeat until we have one person left. Four posters enter, one poster leaves! Good luck all! Feel free to post on anything you want, just remember this is a popularity contest, so if you want to win, I wouldn't post about something lame like kickball or riding bikes. I'm just saying!

Top Poster!

Ok everyone, I'm worried that we are watering down the pool of posters here. I think it'd be a good idea to have just 4 posters at one time, and since there is interest from more than that, I have learned from reality tv that a competition must be held! So, if you're interested in being a poster on this blog, please comment below. This is how we'll do it. Starting next week, each prospective poster will be assigned a day where they can post anything of their choosing. Any posts not on that day will be deleted by me. Once everyone has posted once, I will put a poll on the front page so everyone can vote for their favorite poster. The losers will lose their posting privileges. The only people exempt from this contest are the 3 original posters of this blog: Me, phishbone and DrX, and the three of us are super-delegates who have the right to overturn the will of the people as we see fit. So, I imagine our contestants as it stands right now are Kris and Mikey. BG, you want in on this? Anyone else is welcomed. I know we have some regular lurkers on this blog, so feel free to let yourself be known and take part. All are welcome! Even Ben Stein.

Ok Kev, here is a post for you.

For those of you who don't spend hours of your day checking the latest cycling news websites, Tom Boonen (generally kick ass cyclist, who ass may be seen here) tested positive for cocaine in an out of competition drug test on June 10th. He has since been disinvited from the Tour de France (TdF), but that was a decision by the governing body of the TdF (the ASO). However his current team continues to stand by him (although the team he was in negotiations with has discontinued them) and is trying very hard to get the TdF organizers to relent.

What I find amusing is that the UCI (the cyclist union) will likely do nothing about this incident because:

anti-doping officials say the rider will not face suspension since use of the drug is not specifically banned except in competition.

The reason why this is so amusing is because at the same time Boonen takes only a slap on the wrist (and not even from the UCI) the UCI has instated a rule that any rider whose biological tests return even slightly questionable values will not be allowed to start a race:

“Under the new “no start” rule, riders may be prevented from starting a race for a period of 15 days if blood test results show an anomaly compared with values recorded previously in the biological passport.”

In some ways this all makes perfect sense, but it is still kind of amusing that you can have your career taken away from you for getting a blood transfusion (2 year suspension for doping), or better yet be fired from your team and pulled from the yellow jersey (first place) in the TdF for failing to tell someone where you are at all times, but have very little punishment (even from the law) for using an illegal drug out of competition. I’m not saying I disagree with how things turned out. I don’t want cycling full of doping and I don’t really care what the people do in their spare time, but I just find it interesting that people are trying to clean up the image of cycling and don’t take a stand on out of competition drug use.

Our new poster sucks

So, someone begs me to have posting privileges, and I have a busy week where I'm not going to be able to post much, so I give said person posting privileges, and what happens? They don't post anything! Come on people! I'm giving Mikey his privileges back. Posts about kickball is better than nothing.

Oh Fucknuts

Hey, does anyone know if I should have the title of my car? I still owe about 8 months of car loan payments. Do banks hold onto the title until your car is paid off? I can't find it in any of my paperwork, so I'm pretty sure I don't have it. I'm so confused....

New Poster

I have taken the liberty of inviting a new poster to our blog, and have taken away Mikey's blogging permissions until Latroy Hawkins stops sucking (not gonna happen). Mikey, you can still post comments all you want, of course, and if you really want to make blog posts, I can be convinced. Anyways, I haven't been posting much lately due to being busy at work and frustrated with my computer at home, but I think I have everything squared away on that end now. I'll try to post more in the future, folks, because I have such an interesting and exciting life!

Fuck cursing

So, my daughter is now old enough that she's clearly understanding some language. Therefore, unless I want her to talk like me, I need to stop cursing. This is hard for me. I don't even fucking realize I'm doing it. See? See? Any suggestions on how to knock this shit off? Ideas:

• Curse jar. However, I'm usually broke to begin with.
• Negative reinforcement. Maybe a thick rubber band that I snap whenever I say something I'm not supposed to.
• Positive reinforcement. Blowjob for every day I don't swear? Point to consider: wife is not on board with this plan.

Other ideas?

Happy Birthday DrX!!!

That's right, today is DrX's 58th birthday. He s young at heart, though. It's ok, DrX, most of your life may be over, but you can still look forward to a few more cognoscente years, maybe! Here are some other folks that were born on June 9th: Peter The Great, Donald Duck, Johnny Depp and Natalie Portman.

Also, on this day in 1940, Norway surrendered to Nazi Germany. Oh, Norway! You so crazy! So DrX, stay away from Norwegians and Nazis today. Hope you are doing something fun and exciting! Have some cake. Cake is yummy, unless it has coconut. I hate coconut. Fuck you coconut!

Gotta love pandering!

Hooray for the crazy religious right wing! They are so good at making Republican candidates look like ignorant douchebags:

For Brainaparte

My scanner is completely fubar now, so making a sketch of my favorite French actress is tough. Well, making the sketch isn't so tough, but posting it is. In the mean time, just to let you know I haven't forgotten your trivia reward, here is a photo of my favorite French actress, Anna Karina:

Now, I know next to nothing about Anna Karina, and have only seen her in a few Godard films, but in those films, she may be the most gorgeous woman who ever lived. And, I know, she was born in Denmark, but a majority of her films were French and lived most of her life there. I think she's still alive, but she's old and I don't really care about her anymore. OK, so maybe there are a lot of problems with my choice here, and maybe I just wanted an excuse to make the blog a lot better looking by posting the above picture. And I know Fish will yell at me for this one, too. Oh well. Anna Karina was ridiculously beautiful, so I win.

Thank you, Government!

For buying me a digital camcorder! I got a letter in the mail today letting me know that my $600 Economic Stimulus" check is on it's way. Who wants to help me research cameras? I figure I can spend some of my own money on this, as well as the governments. So, let's put the price limit at $900. Anyone have any suggestions?

Work sucks

Fuck Pat Buchanan. Fuck work. Fuck corporations. Fuck remakes. Fuck bills. Fuck groceries. Fuck the Lakers. Fuck the Celtics. Fuck Adam Sandler's shitty ass movies. Fuck seafood and everything I don't care to add.

The real reason I moved to Raleigh

Little do they realize it, Duke is laying the groundwork for my plans for world domination to reach fruition. That's right, they are close to creating a bionic monkey! It starts with one arm, and soon becomes a primate/robot killing machine!

Crazy Robot Vagina Alert!

Has anyone here seen The Holy Mountain? What a strange film. I watched it this weekend followed by Ichi the Killer, which may be one of the most grotesque films I've ever seen. It's weekends like this I'm glad I live alone, because if someone tried watching that duo of films with me, they may have tried to have me committed. Anyways, I actually do recommend both films, but neither is for the faint hearted. Also, I came up with a good punishment for the loser of some unnamed future contest. The loser has to watch the movie Meet the Spartans in it's entirety and then watch it again with the commentary track. I've only seen commercials, but seriously, it may be the worst movie ever made. I'm out!

Birthday Bash!

My birthday is just a month away from tomorrow and I have yet to make any plans. Anyone have any good ideas? I have the time to take off to do some traveling, but I have to put in for it soon. Who wants the honor of hosting Kevin's b'day bash?

Sunday Night Dance Party!

I miss Albany...

Sorry folks!

My scanner is having major issues, so I haven't been able to post any sketches or cartoons. I'm working on it. Anyone do anything exciting this weekend?