Thursday, June 19, 2008

I will be the first

I will be the first poster in this sad little contest. I am first, as I deserve to be. Now, where do I start? As you have likely deduced from my name, I am in fact the mummified remains of The Fuhrer. You see, when the damned Russians were closing in on me at the end of the war I took a secret tunnel out of the city and escaped to Egypt. Unfortunately during the trip I was mortally wounded in a horrible tea party accident. By the time I got to the infernal deserts of the Middle East, I was near death. My doctor only gave me days to live, but a strange indigenous man came to me with the offer of immortality. He would make me a mummy and I would be sealed in a tomb, only to rise again and rejoin the living for eternity! So, here I am. It's been about 60 years since I last walked the Earth and I find things to be very strange.

If you allow me to, I would like to share the everyday experiences of a former great dictator as he tries to acclimate himself into a society from which he has been absent for more than a half century. Now, I know you all may be wary to let someone who is responsible for the extermination of millions of innocent men women and children post on your precious blog, but don't we all have some skeletons in our closet? None of us are perfect. I am trying to better myself. I am seeing a psychiatrist regularly and am working through some of my issues. His name is Dr. Feingold. That's right, he's a Jew, and I haven't even tried to have him killed yet! I am growing! Sure, I still am struck by the occasional murderous rage, but I'm a mummy! It's normal! Also, I am filled with hate for everything around me but I'm Hitler! You can't expect me to change overnight, can you? Besides, there is so much to hate in this world, all I ask is for you to let me share it with you. Well, I will stop taking up your time. Just please vote for me so that I may continue to post in the future. And if you don't, I will find you and I will crush you in my heavily bandaged hands! I will spill your blood upon your just cleaned carpet and shit on your bed! You are all dirty, filthy vermin which I will exterminate if you cross me! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

I kid! I kid! Really, I'm over that kind of irrational hatred.

Just don't push me...

23 comments:

kevthegreat said...

Oh, Mummy Hitler! You so crazy!

Mummy Hitler said...

LOL! I'm really not crazy! I'm just so tense lately. It's probably because I'm all wound up.... Get it? I'm a mummy! I'm all would up! LOL!!!!

kevthegreat said...

Good one Mummy Hitler! You, sir, are what I call a laugh riot! I bet you're a big fan of wrap music!

Mummy Hitler said...

LOL, I totally am! But, in all seriousness, I had to go to the doctors the other day. I just couldn't stop coffin! Oh! I'm on tonight!

kevthegreat said...

Wait, shouldn't that be more of a vampire joke than a mummy joke? I mean, a mummy are sealed in a sarcophagus, not a coffin.

Mummy Hitler said...

Oh, fuck you! It's a fucking joke, eh? Lighten up you fucking douche! Man, I wish I had still had some storm troopers so that I could have you and your entire family round up and killed, you fucking little prick!

kevthegreat said...

Ouch...

Mummy Hitler said...

Look, I'm sorry. My anger still gets the best of me sometimes. I didn't mean it. Well, I did, but now I don't. I'm just gonna go cool off now. I may go take a swim. In the Dead Sea! Oh! Because I'm a mummy! I swim in the Dead Sea!

Kris said...

Kev,

Did you delete my comment?

kevthegreat said...

Yes. I found it to be very inappropriate for this blog. Really, profanity laced insults against one's mother is totally crossing the line. I had to delete it before DrX saw it. He is a very sensitive person.

phishbone23 said...

If you're really the fuhrer, then prove it.....How did your dog Blondi die?

kevthegreat said...

Why does Mummy Hitler have to prove himself to you? Who the fuck cares? Christ, you guys are totally fucking humorless. It was fucking cyanide capsules. Who cares? What the fuck does that prove? I knew that, you knew that, and we're not Hitler. Let it the fuck go, dude. Seriously. Y'all are real good at being fucking buzz-kills.

kevthegreat said...

I mean, seriously, do you actually think that it's necessary for you to try and debunk Mummy Hitler? Are you afraid people are actually going to think that Hitler's mummified corpse is blogging? Way to totally miss the point, and ruin the whole thing.

DrX said...

Yes, Virginia, there is a Mummy Hitler. And if you clap real hard, maybe he'll wake up again and save the day!

Mummy Hitler said...

I post, therefor I am.

Kris said...

Kev, perhaps we are just worried that you have lived in the south for too long and the heat and humidity are finally starting to take their toll.

phishbone23 said...

Actually, I wanted Mummy Hitler to answer in his own humorful way. It's called "throwing him a bone", but I guess you totally missed my point Kev. You, Dr. X, and I are judges, so I was seeing how deep he could take this. Mummy Hitler, I apologize for my friend Kev, he's a bit of a paranoid. Also, Kev, I'm amazed that you would even think that I would try to end an interesting blog like MH's.

kevthegreat said...

yeah, it occured to me that was probably what you were doing after I had my tirade. But the tirade in and of itself is rather amusing, so I left it there. Long live Mummy Hitler!

kevthegreat said...

Lesson to be learned: Kevin is cranky when tired, and rather protective of Mummy Hitler.

Mummy Hitler said...

Thanks buddy! I owe you a beer. Not any of that piss water you call beer, but a good German Blond ale. With blue eyes.

Mikey OOO said...

Kev, you really need a hobby or a girl rather than making up imaginary bloggers. What is Raleigh doing to you??? On another note, do you have any idea what you're doing for July 4th weekend? I am going to a BBQ on the 5th, but other than that, I don't have any plans yet.

kevthegreat said...

I'm flying into Albany on the 2nd and leaving on the 7th. I booked a car rental, so I'm prepared to travel all over the friggin place to visit as many people as possible. You working on the 3rd?

Mummy Hitler said...

Hast Du etwas Zeit fuer mich
Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich
Von 99 Luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
Denkst Du vielleicht grad' an mich
Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich
Von 99 Luftballons
Und dass sowas von sowas kommt

Damn, I love that song! I wish it was around when I was running things. I would have insisted Riefenstahl used it in that silly little move he made for me.

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