Party!!!!

My company Christams/year end party is tonight! I'm gonna get drunk and take my pants off! Yeah! Rock on bitches!

I'm moving!

So, I'm moving again. I've taken a faculty position at a University in Rhode Island, so we're moving. Back to the East Coast... From California, the biggest (by some measure or other), most self-important state in the union, to the smallest.

The Reunion

So, one of the main reasons I went up to New York over Thanksgiving was to go to my High School reunion, which was last Friday night. I suppose I should talk about it. Y'all can be my shrink. In a blog post before I left I said:

My high school experience wasn't particularly enjoyable, in fact I think it compares more aptly to a stay in prison than a high school, but I am relatively successful now, which means lots of rubbing it in the faces of everyone who was an asshole to me. Ah yes, I've been waiting for this moment.

Well, I had plenty of opportunity to rub in my moderate success, since a majority of the people there had made absolutely nothing of their lives. I just couldn't do it, though. It all really just depressed the hell out of me. Nobody changed, they were all the same people I went to high school with, and just being there in that room with them all, I felt exactly as I did in high school. I was once again a freak, an outcast, and a majority of the people there didn't even know who the fuck I was. I mean, I do look very different now, and when I told them who I was most people remembered me, but still.

I just couldn't enjoy myself. It really was hell. I didn't want to tell anyone about my life, because I knew the only reason that most of the people went to this thing was in hopes of finding that everyone was like them, that nobody had made anything of their lives. Of course they went to the high school reunion, they've been stuck there for the past ten years. There really wasn't anyone there, besides the people I went with, who I would care to see again. Fuck APHS.

More Challenges!

Here are some more eating challenges to try over the Christmas vacation:

1. 12 McDonald's cheeseburgers in one hour.

2. 18 Boston Cream Dunkin Donuts by two people (one male one female) in one hour.

3. 15 Taco Bell tacos (with or without lettuce) in one hour.

4. 6 Cheeseburger Happy Meals with soda and fries in an hour.

5. 3 Medium Dominoes Pizzas in 1.5 hours.

6. 10 Ramen Noodles packages any flavor (12 if chicken) in 1 hour.

7. 20 Zingers (or similar) in 1 hour.

8. 3 Pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream (any flavor) in 1 hour.

9. 4 footlong meatball subs with cheese from Subway in 1 hour.

10. 4 boxes of Freihofer's chocolate chip cookies (it's an upstate NY thing).

11. 8 cans of Spaghetti O's in one hour.

An Epic Challenge

Many have tried and almost all have failed. A challenge such as this is not to be taken on a whim, it takes great physical and mental preparation. I was lucky enough to be the witness of such an attempt at history, and here is my recap:

1. The Challenge The participant must ingest one dozen Boston Cream Donuts from Dunkin Donuts within one hour, then must keep them down for 15 minutes after the final donut is eaten.

2. The Player

Josh (A.K.A "Powder"): 6'2" - 245 pounds of eating efficacy.

3. The Back Story
All great challenges begin in a barroom boast, and this one was no different. Over a couple beers at Andy's bar in Albany, Powder glanced out the window at the Dunkin Donuts across the street. The dream entered his mind right then.
"I could eat a dozen donuts." is what he said.
I was skeptical. "What about Boston Creme donuts?" I ask, "They are pretty damn heavy."
"I could eat a dozen Boston Cream Donuts easily."
And so the challenge was born. Preparation was needed. After 4 shots of Southern Comfort and a couple wings we were ready to begin.

4. The Result
We began the test of will at 11PM at the Albany apartment belonging to my good friend Bennett. Tensions were high as the test begun. I had riding on it a days worth of free meals and Powder, his pride. The first half dozen were quickly ingested within the first 15 minutes, but the rate quickly slowed. A half hour went by and 8 were residing in the stomach of this behemoth of gluttony. Two more were gone in the next fifteen minutes. Two donuts left, and just 15 minutes to eat them.
Just two donuts, but every bite was met with a grimace of pain. I wish I could tell you all I had witnessed a historic feat on Saturday night. I wish I could tell you that. But unfortunately, all I beheld was a man eat 10 and a half donuts in an hour. But, alas, the occasional failure is something we must all experience. As Teddy Roosevelt once said:

"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorius triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat."

I challenge you all to dare to dream your impossible dreams and never fear failure when trying to make them reality.

Goin' on a trip

Early Wednesday morning I am expecting to get up early and start the ten hour drive to upstate NY. It's Thanksgiving at the parents this year, since I'm the good kid. That's right, I'm the only one of us three children to make the trek home for Thanksgiving. My brother and sister must hate the parents and love the terrorists.
Anyways, another reason to go home is that the day after Thanksgiving my high school class is having its 10 year reunion. My high school experience wasn't particularly enjoyable, in fact I think it compares more aptly to a stay in prison than a high school, but I am relatively successful now, which means lots of rubbing it in the faces of everyone who was an asshole to me. Ah yes, I've been waiting for this moment. So, for you New York folks, I will see you soon, and for everyone else, there will be silence on this blog until next week when I recant the events of my mini vacation. Be good, and have a great Thanksgiving!

Let's go Saints!

Siena College's basketball team just pulled out one of the biggest wins in school history by giving Stanford a whooping up in Albany. As most of you know, I am an alumni of Siena, so this is friggin awesome. Too bad I'm in North Carolina and don't have any fellow alumni to celebrate and drink lot's of liquor with. Anyways, this is actually the second time that Siena has upset Stanford, the first being in the first round of the NCAA Tournament in 1989. I don't think Stanford will be agreeing to play us anymore, for they are now officially our bitches. Here's ESPN's telecast of the original upset in '89 (the Siena game comes on at around the 2:00 mark).

My true motives...

A couple weeks ago I called up DrX and told him that I am making him my main benificiary for my 401k plan. DrX made the mistake of agreeing without asking why. So now I reveal my plan. If I were to die, you must take care of my funeral with the money you get. That's right, DrX, it's all up to you! I know we have talked about this before, but I need to get what I want for a funeral in writing:

I want to have a zombie themed wake/funeral. Everyone has to come dressed as either a zombie or a fearful human. Also, if I am rich by the time I die, I want to be turned into an animatronic zombie so I can walk around at my funeral and mingle. This is probably something I am going to have to plan before I die. It may be tough to find someone to robotize my corpse. If there isn't enough money to make this happen, then maybe just tie some string on my limbs and torso and make me move around Weekend at Bernie's style. Just make sure I look like a zombie. Slip the mortician a few hundred to slice off my cheek or something. I need a good decomposing look. Also, serve some cow or pig brains at the wake, or post-wake party. And one more thing, I made a deal with my friend Powder that whichever one of us die first has all our friends play Taps on kazoos at the funeral.

I'm relying on you DrX. Make this happen. And if there is any money left over, buy my niece a guitar and make her learn some Ramones songs, and on the anniversary of my death you have to hit my grave with a baseball bat while she plays Beat on the Brat. I have no idea why this is a requirement, and it can probably be ignored. Don't worry, I'm not planning on dying anytime soon, so you have time to plan. Have fun with it.

Questions for the next presidential debate...

... followed by the correct answer:

Q. Would you eat a live puppy for increased national security?
A. Yes, I would eat a puppy to keep you safe from terrorists.

Q. What was your favorite childhood porno mag?
A. The terrorists want to kill us in our homes and eat our babies. There will be no more childhood, since all our babies would be taken away and raised in baby farms to be plumped up for crazy terrorist feasts. I liked Hustler.

Q. If China were a type of fruit, what kind of fruit would they be?
A. China would be a calamondin.

Q. Would you support new technology that could convert the souls of the damned into oil?
A. We need to end our dependence on foreign oil, or the terrorists will kill us all. I say we use the heathens and sinners to run our SUVs.

Q. Is a woman capable of anything more than making me dinner?
A. My wife has killed terrorists with her bare hands. So yes, women can be killing machines as well as your caretaker. They are all crazy and poor at math, however.

Q. Torture: right or wrong?
A. Torture is wrong. If you give it a nicer name, then it is ok.

Q. Do you like my hair?
A. September the 11th changed how America must look at the world. And since that day, your hair has given America the comfort we have sought in the face of certain death and destruction. Your hair, sir, is a national hero, and I'd like to make sweet love to it.

Late night ramble

People should be more comfortable with being wrong. Deep down, I think we all know that we know nothing, but we like to think that we have the answers. When someone comes along to challenge this facade, we get defensive. We hate being wrong. From a very young age we are taught in school that there are right answers and wrong answers, and it's very bad to have the wrong answers. Getting bad grades is something to be ashamed of. Being wrong is something to be ashamed of. Well, there are issues that aren't so obviously right and wrong. This also means that it has become very impolite to call someone else wrong, or to even challenge their beliefs. When it comes to the tough questions that don't have an obvious right or wrong answer, you get a lot of crazy beliefs, but if you call them crazy, you're just a dick. People think it's awful to be wrong, so you shouldn't try to prove them wrong, even if they obviously are.

To combat this attitude, I urge you all to start spouting off the craziest, most insane beliefs on any subject, just to try and get people to call you on your bullshit. You'll be amazed at how far you can go and still have people smile and nod at you. You know they think you're bat-shit insane, but they hardly ever say it. Are people talking politics? Tell them that you're not voting this year because you vowed long ago that you would never help an alien to get elected, and you're afraid that not a single one of the candidates are human. Are people talking about the weather? Tell them how rain is actually the tears of Jumba, the gorilla god, who is crying over the loss of his golden chalice which was stolen by the ferret god, Bynta. Have fun with it. And don't be afraid to call me or anyone else on their bullshit. The only way to make it socially acceptable is by forcing people to do it, right?

Iron Mike

Here I am, not able to sleep, so I'm watching a show called Ringside on ESPN Classic. This show has some guys sitting around, discussing a boxer and showing thier fights and interviews during thier career. It's a good show. Anyways, this episode is on the early years of Mike Tyson. Looking at Mike now, it's easy to forget how exciting and absolutely dominate and scary he was early on. The guy would absolutely maul people in the ring. Here's an early fight of his:

Veteran's Day

Thanks, veterans, for fighting for the country. I think it's fucked up that you had to fight, but thanks for doing it. I may one day post my nut ideas about the military at some point, but not on Veteran's Day, I guess. Maybe tomorrow.

More recycling

It seems that on all issues people in this country automatically take a centrist view. They think "both sides are passionate, so they must both be right! I'll take the middle!". Pansies...

I think this is one of the reasons our science education is so behind pretty much every other industrialized country in the world. There are so many evangelicals speaking passionately against science, such as evolution or big bang theory, while a huge majority of scientists support these theories. The average citizen sees this conflict and chooses the middle, and we get crap like Intelligent Design "theory", which uses scientific language to present completely anti-science ideas, and people fall for it. People have to understand that science strives for truth, while it's opponents thrive for suppression. If a huge majority of scientists agree on a theory, it is because it is the best one available and supported by a massive amount of data and physical evidence. Something else to realize about science is it contains a completely open community. If you have a novel theory with sufficient evidence to back it, you can present it in any number of journals and present it to the scientific community. Now, the community may try to rip your theory apart, but experimentation and evidence doesn't lie, and if you have it right, your theory will stick. Now, no theory is ever final or perfect, and as new evidence presents itself a good theory will change to incorporate it, but sometimes new evidence will completely destroy a theory and you must start from scratch.

You constantly see nutcases proclaiming that the scientific community is trying to suppress their incredible new invention or theories, but this is ridiculous. If there was any validity to what they were doing, they would find many open arms, or at least silenced critics when nobody can find major flaws in their reasoning. This is how the world should work.

An old story for y'all

He lost his nose due to an infected cut. I was the one who gave him that cut, purely by accident, of course. We were playing basketball and I scrapped the bridge of his nose with a finger nail while coming down with a rebound. If he had just washed it out and used a band aid, he'd still have his nose, but I still felt a little guilty. That is why I made him a prosthetic nose. I made it out of raisins to better simulate the feel of flesh, and didn't perceive the problems that would come from such a choice of material.

I presented him the nose and he was thrilled to have it. It fit perfectly in the hole that was still left in the middle of his face from the surgery. It was a brilliant piece of workmanship, I must say, and looked spectacularly real. He decided to take it out for a test run in the park and ran out the door with excitement. During the stroll he was the happiest I had seen him since the operation. His mood quickly changed, however, when we came upon a gaggle of crows. They must have been starving because as soon as they saw that big raisin nose sitting on his face they went wild. There must have been 50 or 60 of those bastards swooping down from the sky, pecking and clawing at his face as I looked on in horror, knowing not what to do. Finally the raisin nose was devoured, the crows lost interest and flew away. I rushed my friend to the hospital. He was lucky the damage was not more severe. Both eyes had been gouged badly and could not be saved, but all other damage was superficial in nature. I wonder how well grapes would work as prosthetic eyes...

note: Don't forget to vote! The poll is right there on the right part of the screen. Go here for examples of the poll answers.

A new toy!

I just got a new toy in the mail today. It is the Garmin StreetPilot c550! GPS rules, man! Yeah, so now "the man" can track me, but at least I'll never get lost. Who wants to go on a road trip?

note: Wow, this post is practically a commercial. I assure you, Garmin is not a sponser of mine. This is just one of the times I have nothing to write about so I just brag about a new toy. Sorry. But if Garmin does want to be a sponser, I am listening. Or any other company, for that matter. Well, any company except Disney. Those bastards ruined my childhood. That's right, when I was five years old I was raped by Mikey Mouse...

Another Poll

I'm gonna try doing another poll. Hopefully this one won't end up tied, and a miserable failure, like the last. Ok, so here is the question, followed by the choices with examples:

Which drug has had the best influence on the "rock music"?

1. Heroin



2. Pot



3. Cocaine



4. Religion

The choice is yours! Please vote!

11/10 update:
The longer the poll has stayed up, the more lame I have felt it has become. I have grown to hate this poll, so I have taken it down. The lesson for today: I should never commit myself to long term gags, because I will hate them after a day or two.

What is a real friend?

Would any of you guys ever help me dispose of a dead body with no questions asked? That is a real friend.

Nice!

That crazy Indian video is friggin great. For some reason it reminds me of this video, Apache by Tommy Seebach!!!!



It's a different kind of Indian, or white women dressed up like a different kind of Indian, at least. Check out YouTube for some great versions of this video dubbed with other songs. Prodigy's Breathe works perfectly.

Craziest Indian Video

I hereby trump the Right Brothers. I have found the king wacky music video of all time.

OK, I'll just do it...

My guide to being popular, in just 5 easy steps:

1. Make a lot of money
This is an obvious one. If you have lots of money you can use it to make friends. Buy the bar a round of drinks, buy people dinner or just buy a bunch of whores to hang around with you. It's always easy to have a posse if you have money. Just find some guys who like whores and you can give them the skanky ones. Instant friends!

2. Acquire a lot of power
If you have money, it's easy to gain power. Just throw that money in the direction of powerful people and they will start doing you favors. Once you have some power you can start doing favors to those lacking in power, and they will owe you. That's when you force them to be your friend. Want me to take care of that speeding ticket for you? Come have dinner with me and I'll think about it.

3. Hone your deception skills
If you don't have any power or money, be good at pretending you do. Trust me, if people think you're rich, they just give shit to you for free. It's a fucked up world, I know. Anyways, to achieve that rich and powerful look, buy yourself a tux, a top hat and a monacle. Also grow a mustache.

4. Hate something
Develop some kind of irrational hate for something. It can be minority groups, corporations, religions, certain animals, it doesn't really matter. If you hate something, you will soon find other people who share that passion. Nothing brings people together like a shared hatred.

5. Put out
You want to be popular? Sleep with pretty much anyone. You'll never again have nothing to do on a Saturday night. And if you're good enough at it, you can start to charge and make some money. And if you're really good at it, you may be able to complete step #1.

I'm sure there are other ways to become popular, but I have a short attention span, so 5 is enough for me. Hope this helps, kids!

I have problems

I wrote this post just a couple days ago, and in it I said I would be posting ways to be popular. I have yet to post that. Let me tell you what happened. Whenever I do something like that (say I am going to post something in the future) I rarely end up fulfilling that promise. I have such an aversion to doing anything I feel I've been forced into, that I find it very difficult to do something even I've forced myself to do. Looking back at that previous post, I now feel that the posting I promised would be completely lame, and I've been avoiding writing it, even though I was enthusiastic about it, and came up with some good ideas just two days ago. I am rebelling against the past me, the me of two days ago. Fuck me from two days ago! I can't tell me what to write! I'm older and more wise than me, I'll write whatever the hell I want to write, and it'll be a fuck load* better than anything I wanted me to write! Hell yeah!


*A fuck load is a unit of measurement equivalent to 3,233.657 kg.