Friday, August 31, 2007
Note: It's not that I don't want our European friends to not have a good, long weekend, it's just that Monday isn't a holiday for you. You could always take it off, though. What do the French do with their days off? Do you put on your best beret, buy a big loaf of bread and pack of cigarettes, then go to a nice sidewalk cafe and sit around sipping espresso, while complaining about the damn Americans? That's what I imagine happens. Stereotyping is fun! Give it a try! I know we occasionally have British readers, so what does a Brit do with their days off? Do they get up at noon go down to the local pub and have a few pints while watching football, yelling at the tv, punching opposing team's fans, and singing drinking songs, all the while complaining about the damn Americans? Hmmmm, what other readers can I alienate? I'll have to think about it. In the meantime, feel free to post some more fun stereotypes in the comments!
Thursday, August 30, 2007
What the hell is Labor Day about, anyways? Take a day off to celebrate working? It doesn't make sense. Why should we have a national holiday to celebrate working? People only work because they have to, it's not like it's some noble sacrifice. I don't really care enough to look up the history of Labor Day, so there is probably some legitimate reason for it, and I'm not going to complain since it is a paid day off, but I still think it's stupid.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
I believe it is called a kolatche and it is one of the things Texans enjoy for breakfast, which is why they are all very fat. It consists of a sausage that is wrapped in a corn dog like pastry and, I imagine, deep fried. It is very tasty, of course, but will kill you. Anyways, this got me prepared for what was to come: A trip to Sodolak's Original Country Inn for some chicken fried bacon! Sodolak's is located in Snook, which is about 2 hours outside of Houston, so the drive was long and full of anticipation! We arrived in Snook, a bustling metropolis of 568 people, at around 3:00, and found Sodolak's thanks to their quality sign:
It's a good thing I spotted the sign, because the front of the building was rather discrete:
In we went! The special that day was the "Small T-bone Steak", which both Fish and I ordered, along with an appetizer of the holy grail, the chicken fried bacon. The bacon came just after we got our salads (the vegetables seemed very out of place) and we basked in it's glory:
And here I am contemplating whether or not I want to lose the years on my life that would be taken away with each bite:
Of course, the aroma of bacon and grease made the decision easy. The bowl on the plate with the bacon is the sausage gravy dipping sauce. I must say, the meal was scrumptious, as can be attest to by phishbone23:
Happiness is battered and deep fried bacon. So then the "Small T-bone Steak" came out:
Good thing we didn't go for the medium or large steaks, I guess! So, mass eating ensued and we went back to Houston very happy and about 15 pounds heavier, each. If you ever find yourself in Snook, Texas (and I have no idea why that would happen to anyone) it is a necessity for you to visit Sodolak's and gorge yourself with steak and chicken fried bacon. It's totally worth a 2 hour road trip from Houston, too. I now know why Texas is full of really fat people.
After lunch we decided to head in to Galveston and check out a couple bars there. On our way we went past NASA where we witnessed a giant thumb attacking jets on a stick!
After that harrowing experience, we arrived in Galveston and I got to see the Gulf as well as drink some beers at a biker bar and getting shot. So the question is "Who Shot Mr. Kevin":
The day ended with Fish trying to trick me into going to a Karoke bar, but failing miserably. He doubted my lameness radar, but it was working well that night. So, we bought some Italian for dinner, bought some beers and drank the night away while playing the Wii, and breaking my shoulder. Day three would be the day to be remembered...
Day one actually started on Friday afternoon. I caught my flight out of Raleigh after a slight ten minute delay on way to Atlanta for my connecting flight. I got on and took my seat next to a rather attractive mommy with an 8 months old baby. It was to be a short flight, however, and the baby seemed in good spirits. Unfortunately, as we came to Atlanta there was a nasty thunderstorm and no planes were allowed to land or take off. We circled above a few times waiting for the storms to move, but began to run low on fuel and had to land in Augusta for refueling and to wait for Atlanta to reopen. So, after a half an hour detour to this new airport we got to sit on the tarmac for about an hour. At this time the baby sitting next to me started to become fussy and I changed seats with the mommy so she could have the inside seat to more discreetly breast feed her child. Sitting that close next to a stranger who is breast feeding her baby is rather uncomfortable, no matter how friendly and hot she was.
But, I survived the ordeal and the plane finally took off and landed in Atlanta. Everyone in the plane is now happy to get off as we pull up to the gate. Of course, nothing is that easy. The mechanized gate that they pull up to the plane got jammed and wouldn't move. So we all wait in the plane right in front of our gate for an engineer to come and try to fix it. About half an hour later, finally they tell us to go to another gate, which we finally do, and everyone rushes off the plane in rather foul moods. I was only delayed about 2 hours at this point, which would get me into Houston at around 11pm.
So, I board my connecting flight after a very short wait, and am in pretty good spirits as the flight wasn't full and I had an empty seat next to me, rather than a crying baby. Everyone gets on the plane and we're ready to go, right? Nope, the pilot comes over the speaker and tells us that we are waiting for 4 bags to be bought over and loaded on the plane. Half an hour later, he comes on again and says that we are still waiting for the bags. Forty five minutes later, either the bags show up or the pilot gets sick of waiting and takes off. I finally got into Houston a bit after midnight and met up with phishbone23 and his lady for a dinner and some beer before last call, which was 1:30. We then went to their lovely house and slept, getting ready for an exciting day two!
Thursday, August 23, 2007
"Shae and I got hooked on playing cornhole right after we moved out here. We have wanted to do an event that incorporates the sport for the past few years so we are excited that it's finally going to happen," said Palmer.
Hooray for cornhole! You just do what makes you happy, Carson! Who cares what everyone else thinks! Bring cornhole to the kids!
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Read this and come back to my commentary.
You read it?
Ok, so somebody tell me, why is it that when anyone tells one of these little stories God turns out to be a total dick? God is omniscient so he knows that if he just tells the climber guy to cut his rope, with no other explanation, the guy isn't going to do it. So God is just pretty much taunting this guy and setting up the ultimate "I told you so!" situation. He's a dick.
I love it when people imagine God this way. I guess you can tell a lot about people by how they imagine an omnipotent being. That being has a tendency to agree with them a lot, and to humiliate people that don't agree with them. I'm gonna tell ya, if I'm ever hanging off a cliff by a rope and I hear a voice telling me to cut the rope, I'm sure as hell not gonna, because even if there is a God and he is actually talking to me, I'm still not going to trust that dick. I'd end up plunging to my death and in the afterlife God would be like "I can't believe you cut the rope! You're such a moron! What did you expect to happen!? LOL!". Yes, that's right, in my imagination God would say "LOL". My idea of an omnipotent being speaks like a 12 year old girl who does too much text messaging. Now, what does that say about me?
Update: I just checked my itinerary and I actually don't leave until Friday. Oops! So I may post something tomorrow.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
What I like about France:
Monday, August 20, 2007
A 23-year old Serb was found dead and half-eaten in the bear cage of Belgrade Zoo at the weekend during the annual beer festival.
The man was found naked, with his clothes lying intact inside the cage. Two adult bears, Masha and Misha, had dragged the body to their feeding corner and reacted angrily when keepers tried to recover it.
That goes to show you, kiddies, don't try to imitate me or you'll get hurt. It's hard to be me... Oh, and if you are going to imitate me, please keep your clothes on. The nakedness is for professionals only.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
From: A concerned mother
Stop drinking… Your hurting your wife and son.
When I first read this letter I thought my son, Billy, was the author and making a lame attempt at anonymity. So, I had a few beers, lectured him on being a man and confronting his problems head on , then I burned him with cigarettes until he cried and ran away screaming for his mother. Then I realized I don’t even have a son! Crazy! I wonder who that little boy was… Anyways, first you guys reprimand me for my gambling and now you’re going to get on me for my drinking? Leave me to my vices, dammit! I may take up smoking just to piss y’all off. Or heroin… There’s always heroin. By the way ladies, I'm not married, either! That's right, I'm still available, just don't come between me and my beer! The beard stays, you go!
Thanks for your emails! If anyone else has any questions or comments, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Dear Friend:I got your contact during my search for a reliable,honest and a trust worthy person to entrust this huge transfer project with.My name is Mr.Samuel Kofi manager of the financial institution .I am a Ghanaian married with four kids. I am writing to solicit your assistance in the transfer of $4,550.000.00 million U.S dollars only,equivalent to 2.5 million pounds.
You have my attention, Mr. Koffi! Your decimal points confuse me, however! Does that mean you have $4,550.00 million US dollars or is it $4,550,000.00 million dollars? That would mean you have between $4,550,000,000.00 and $4,500,000,000,000.00 US dollars you have to transfer. Now, 4.5 billion dollars is a lot of money, but I'm hoping that extra decimal point was actually meant to be a comma and you have 4.5 trillion dollars to transfer. That's a lot of money! And it weighs 2.5 million pounds, evidently!
This fund is the excess of what my branch in which I am the manager made as profit during the 2005 financial year. I have already submitted annual report for that year to my head office here in Accra as I have watched with keen interest as they will never know of this excess.I have since, placed this amount of $4,550.000.00 million U.S dollars on an Escrow Coded account without a beneficiary (anonymous) to avoid trace.As an officer of the bank, I cannot be directly connected to this money thus I am impelled to request for your assistance to receive this money into your bank account on my behalf.
Wow, that's a big bank transfer! I don't know if my bank would let you transfer 4.5 trillion dollars into my account, but we can try! It's amazing that the bank you're an officer of makes that kind of a profit in one year, and even more amazing that they won't notice that the
money is gone! It's so unbelievable, it must be true!
I intend to part 30% of this fund to you while 70% shall be for me.I do need to stress that there are practically no risk involved in this.It's going to be a bank-to-bank transfer. All I need from you is to stand as the original depositor of this fund so that the fund can be transferred to your account.If you accept this offer,Please get back to me.But if you're not interested in this please do not reply.
OK! 30% of 4.5 trillion dollars is still $1.35 trillion! I could pay for another Iraq war with that kind of money! Look out Syria, here I come!And there is practically no risk involved! Mr. Kofi said so himself, and he's my friend, he wouldn't lie! I'm gonna be rich!
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
I actually got to meet Mr. Rizzuto at a charity golf tournament I played in with my dad 3 or 4 years ago. Not much of a conversation there, but I got to shake his hand. I'm famous now! Anyways, he was a cool guy and had a lot of great stories to tell about those dominate Yankee teams. It's a sad day, but at least we still have Yogi.
Monday, August 13, 2007
1. Roland Emmerich
2. Rob Cohen
3. Renny Harlin
And now onto our fourth and final contestant! No, I'm not going to do what you think I am, which is nominate The Bay. That would just be too easy. The Bay transcends the whole living or dead debate, he simply is. He is The Bay and will always be The Bay. No, I will go a different route for our fourth contestant:
4. Les Mayfield
I include Mr. Mayfield on here mainly for just one movie, but the rest of his resume is very impressive, too. In my opinion, if he stopped making movies after his first I would still consider him one of the greatest living directors. The movie was that good. The movie I am referring to is, of course, Encino Man. Brilliant. This is a movie about alienation and trying to fit into a society that crushes the individuality and ethnicity of all those that try to become part of it. It is about the struggle of one man (Brendan Fraser) to over come the shackles of high school popularity and stay true to himself and his real friends (Sean Astin and Pauly Shore). The frozen in time caveman, which Brendan Fraser plays with gusto, is a metaphor for a simpler time when commercialism and mass conformity were not the norm. Mayfield's skewering social commentary make this film one of the greatest of our time. It is the Easy Rider of my generation, but with a cave man. A cave man that skateboards! Rock on!
So look over the rest of Mayfield's resume of films. There are some other classics, such as remakes of Flubber and Miracle on 34th Street and most recently Code Name: The Cleaner and The Man. None of these come close to the importance and excellence of his first film, however.
Now that we have all of our contestants, please vote for The Greatest Living Director!
Sunday, August 12, 2007
This movie takes place in a modern day Southern California high school and all the main characters are students, or of that age group, yet they all talk in a 50s tongue and they act the parts, too. This is what I love about film, you can create a world that is completely absurd, but it can work to make a fabulous film as long as it stays consistent to the rules of that world. That is exactly what this movie does. At first you are a little taken aback, but the movie stays consistent in the characters it creates and the world in that it lives and you get sucked in. So, my suggestion to you, if you have about 4 hours to kill, go out and rent a classic film noir (I highly recommend The Maltese Falcon) as well as Brick and then watch them back to back. It will give you a great appreciation for the skill in which the latter was made, and how perfectly it captured the spirit of those great films that preceded it.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
3. Renny Harlin
Renny hails from Finland, and obviously takes over for Bergman as The Greatest Living Scandinavian Director (is Finland considered part of Scandinavia? I really have no clue but it is now). Anyways, on to Renny's resume.
First off were a couple of sequels. The first was Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, in which Freddie Kruger kills some people and says some corny stuff while doing it. I've never actually seen this flick, but judging from Renny's future work, I'm sure it was very deep and touching. Renny then scored a big Hollywood sequel that would entrench him as one of the go to guys for studios with too much money to waste. That sequel was Die Hard 2. We all know this film, it's like the original Die Hard, but instead of a building it's at an airport. You know what that means... EXPLODING PLANES, BITCH! Yeah! Sweet.
Renny decided to move away from the sequel making to something more original. He chose to take on a film that would come to be the ultimate chronical of the entire decade of the 1980s. So, kids, if you really want to know how things were back then, just watch Renny's classic, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane. That's right, the 80s were a time when a guy like Andrew Dice Clay (I like to refer to him as "The Dice Man") could be popular and actually get women (I think). Those were the days... I should know, I was 10.
Harlin then went from one 80s super star to the next with the movie Cliffhanger. The star? None other than the great John Lithgow. Oh, and I think that Stallone guy might have been in it, too. Anyways, this movie was nominated for 3 Oscars. I'm serious, look it up. 3 Oscars. Didn't win any, but still, it was nominated for 3 Oscars. Really. So, it is a multiple Academy Award nominated film, but didn't win one, which gives it the same distinction as Taxi Driver. Yes, that's right, Cliffhanger must therefor be at least as good as Taxi Driver. Three nominations...
Anyways, the next two movies Renny made both starred his future ex-wife, Geena Davis. The first was Cutthroat Island, in which Geena played a lady pirate. The character had so very much depth, just imagine the hooker with a heart of gold character in any crappy hooker movie you've seen, and now make her a pirate and send her after some treasure or something. Yup, a lady hooker/pirate with a heart of gold looking for gold. Great movie. Remmy and Geena's second movie was The Long Kiss Goodnight, which co-starred Samuel L. Jackson, who played an angry black man. Anyways, in this movie Geena wakes up from an accident and of course has amnesia, and soon starts to realize she was a trained assassin, then Sammy L. shows up and yells a lot, and there's some shooting and stuff and a happy ending, or something.
In his next film Renny once again calls on Samuel L. Jackson to fill the role of "angry black man" in the movie Deep Blue Sea. This time Sammy gets eaten by a super intelligent shark, though. And that's the premise for the movie. Super intelligent sharks eat scientists. It's obviously great.
Next! Renny calls on Sly Stallone this time for a movie about racing called Driven. This is a movie about people driving race cars on race tracks and there's some drama going on that I really can't speculate on because I haven't seen it, but I assure you that the ending is happy and therefor it's a great movie.
Renny has been busy this decade, making Mind Hunters, Exorcist: The Beginning and The Covenant. I have not seen any of these films, but judging him on his previous efforts, I think it's obvious that Renny belongs on this list.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Edit: Ok, so "subversive" is a poor adjective for this song. It was late when I posted it and I wasn't thinking clearly. I like the song though, and still agree with it, so fuck off nonexistent person who I imagined nitpicked my use of a word. I'll use any damn adjectives to describe whatever the fuck I want! This post is furry! That's right! It doesn't even have to make sense!
2. Rob Cohen
Mr. Cohen (not to be confused with those hacks Joel and Ethan Coen) has a resume as a director that puts Scorsese to shame. Once again, all I have to do is list the movies this great man has directed, and you will see why he deserves to be one of the top four Greatest Living Directors. First we start with his 1993 movie Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story. I know what you're thinking, it's a movie about Bruce Lee's life, anybody could have made that movie and it would have rocked, but could just anyone fill it with a massive amount of sentimentality and over dramatization? I say no! Only one of the greatest directors ever could have!
On to movie number two: Dragonheart. Holy shit, this movie was nominated for an Oscar? It's true! So, obviously it is a spectacular film. Obviously!
Also on Mr. Cohen's resume is The Skulls, a movie about a crazy super secret fraternity that starts to murder people, because they are soooooper secret and that's what soooooooooper secret organizations do, of course. This film was not nominated for an Oscar, for reasons beyond my comprehension.
After The Skulls, Rob created his ultimate masterpiece, one that may never be surpassed in pure excellence. I am of course referring to The Fast and the Furious. Do I really need to add any comment to this movie? We've all seen it and we all are amazed by it. There are fast cars and chicks and Vin Diesel and something about hijacking trucks or whatever. Best. Movie. Ever.
Oh, but after creating such a pure masterpiece of film, Mr. Cohen did not sit back and rest on his previous accomplishments. Right away he reloaded and shat, I mean shot, xXx down the throats of movie goers everywhere, proving once and for all that Vin Diesel may be the greatest actor in Hollywoood. Then, to completely solidify his place in the upper echelon of greatness, he made Stealth. You know, the movie about the plane that flies itself and shoots stuff. Kind of like that episode of Night Rider, when Kit went nuts. How can you go wrong with that premise?
Need I say anymore to make a case for Rob Cohen to be considered the greatest living director? I think not. I will be back to try to make an equally compelling case for the remaining two contestants later this week.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Since Ingmar Bergman passed away, I believe it is time to make a list and choose the greatest living director. Now, after many sleepness nights I came up with five individuals that we can vote on. Here is number one:
1. Roland Emmerich
Mr. Emmerich takes his place as maybe the greatest German born director who ever lived (Murnau was a chump, most of his movies didn't even have sound! What a loser!). Roland not only directed, but wrote some of the greatest movies of the past decade. His masterpieces include Universal Soldier (Van Damme kicks people and shit! Awesome!), Independence Day (The ending makes perfect sense! Of course a computer virus written on a Mac could bring the end to an advanced alien race! It's so simple that it has to be possible!), Godzilla (the remake kicks the original's ass! I wasn't extremely disappointed at all!), The Patriot (Yeah! It's like Braveheart, only in America! America rules, Scotland drools!), and The Day After Tomorrow (Holy shit! Global warming! That's right, bitch! Mother nature is the villain! Whatcha gonna do now?).
Clearly from his body of work, you can tell why Roland Emmerich is on this list. I will add the 3 other directors in the coming week, and hopefully by the time I'm done the polls will be working again. Good night all!
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Thursday, August 2, 2007