Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Kev's Inner Dialog

To let you know what my life is like, I give you a conversation with myself:

“It’s epic!”

“How is it epic? It’s only two paragraphs.”

“It’s epic in its scope!”

“It’s about toothpaste. How can a two paragraph essay about toothpaste be epic in any way?”

“Toothpaste is a very complex subject with much depth. This essay covers it all.”

“It’s about cleaning dirty teeth. If that’s epic, then I’m fucking Lawrence of Arabia, because I take part in this epic event every day, sometimes twice.”

“You don’t ever really brush your teeth twice a day, do you?”

“Well, I always brush them in the morning, and I’ll brush them in the evening if I’m going out or something.”


“Because I brush my teeth more than once a day?”


“Well, I guess I can live with being a freak then. Point me to the chickens that need their heads bit off.”

“That’s a geek.”


“A geek is the circus guy who bites the heads off the chickens. The freaks are the physically deformed ones in the tent that people pay to gawk at.”

“Ah, I miss the good old days of the traveling carnivals, when people could gawk at the deformities of others without getting a guilt trip.”

“You still can, you know.”

“No you can’t! Where would I go to gawk at people with deformities without getting dirty looks?”

“You’re mom doesn’t seem to mind when I gawk at her.”

“Ah, a mom joke. Well played.”

“She seems to like it, she’s a very lonely woman.”

“Ok, you’re fucking hilarious.”

“You should call her more often, and would it kill you to stop by every once in a while?”

“Let it go, it’s just not funny.”

“No, it isn’t. Her own son is too ashamed of his mother’s extreme hideousness to even come home for Mother’s Day…”

“All right, I’m leaving. Please feel free to continue your little shtick here while I’m gone.”

“Sure, walk away, just like you did after that horrible acid spill took half of your own mother’s face. You heartless bastard! …hey, where are you going?”

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